Tim - Death with a Perm

Oh it's fan bloody tastic! I am staying here with the homeliness of the scythe :o)

Hope you'll pardon the sickle pun...

*scatters a few throw pillows around the new place

That is scarily lifelike.

Why is the clock so out of whack on this thing? I make it 14:37!

I know ,maybe it's on blogtime .

Parallel but not quite i n sync with gmt or g and t tee hee

I am definately cracking up .:0(

Ah I see. Well I wonder where the permed one has got to at any rate. Do you think he moved by choice or got the old heave ho? ;o)

*wonders

So does Blogtime follow the same principles as GMT or is it completely different with like one week in two years and a fifty millisecond sneeze ratio?

Yes , and at the same time no.
It all depends on the time of high tide at Grange over Sands and the price of fresh mackeral on the Tesco wet fish counter.
*wonders if CSI kit could help locate location of permed one or if it's hardly worth the bother.

*hopes it's not the old heave ho:0)

Hardly worth the bother. I am sure he will return when the moon is in the required phase or some such malarkey.

Never mind the fresh mackeral, have you seen the price of cod! Nearly fainted in the mussels.

Well there you are you see, the cod price went up and so the blog clocks go forward by the relevent amount.

Ahhhhh. It all makes sense now! Silly me.

Right... what were we doing?

I'm trying to drive a bus but it's very hard trying to concentrate with all this jumping about and the like.
I can't remember where we were going either.
*OOOOOOOOoooooooooooo remembers bus doors make a whooshy door noise and presses every switch and button to find right one.

Oh good old whooshy door noise!
Let's just see where we end up then. I've been writing my tour guide speech and everything. It can be changed to fit any route. Clever me hey
*pours molly some weak tea regardless of whether she actually wants any :o)

I think the picture requires a doily! :o)

where did you have in mind

Route and doily

Oooh yes I forgot about a certain doily fetish. Thank you.

Oh I'm not fussy molly. Quite happy wherever you can drive us to. Out of the car park would be a good start :o)

Yay doilies for all! or is it doili? what is the plural for doily! oh now i have a dliemma, i shall ponder en route!

finds right button
*whooshy door noise
creates effect as seen on aeroplane movies when hatch or bomb doors are opened and bits of paper and things fly out and everybody's hair is blown about but is immaculate when door/hatch is shut.

Ooooh that was fantabulous molly. I felt the whoosh and everything.
*does seat belt up and wonders whether to 'brace'
*decides to eat jam sandwich instead

*thinks about crawling into corner until voices in head stop but wary of causing major traffic accident

*worries about amount of sandwiches bluey is consumming and wonders if there will be any left for tea.
*wonders
*waits at traffic lights

*ponders about the doily scenario while also being concerned about the jam sandwich...

Ahead we can see some traffic lights whilst to the left there is a Tesco's dating from around 1643.

Don't worry the luggage hold is full of sanwiches. I offloaded the baggage :o)

We'll go that way
*points
*opts for window wound down elbow out of window casually steering bus with one hand look.

*digs out old mariner's hat from the good old days at sea as thinks it would make a nice drivers hat for molly.
*goes to check tickets with nail clippers

The doilie - a devonian status symbol

*bursts into spontainius singing as Tesco's approaches ,
I heard her in the valley.........

no, sorry wrong one

*Is cheered by thought of ample sandwiches..

*plugs ears with bits of sandwich til all danger of TWH has passed

*apologises for crap spelling of spontaneous and waves cheery wave to lollypop lady leaping out of way of certain death.

*wishes had sat nav

*grabs map and alters setting on microphone.
We WILL have sat nav I tell you! At. Roundabout. Take. Second. Exit.

*admires self in old mariners hat in rear view mirror whilst carefully mowing through startled pedestrians on pavement
*gives them cheery wave.

*leans out window to give cheery hello and a spot of friendly advice
Oi! Get out of the f***ing way!

*takes call on mobile phone

Really? Wow. Yes I'm sure. No no of course not. Yes I will. I'll tell her now. Yes thankyou. Goodbye.

Umm Molly...

*finds bag of sucky sweets in glove box and bottle of pop in sock box and joy of joys bag of maltesers in jumper and woolly scarf box.

Yes

*waves sardine sandwich in direction of Molly

Umm MOLLY!

stuffs mouth with maltesers.

*moves to other side of bus so as not to get any more sardines in the lap

sardines eh.?

Ah yes, just had a strange man on the phone. Said something about there being a gnome on the bus, and if we go over or under 30 mph he's going to blow it up.

sounds abit fishy to me
taaadaaaaaaaa

Oh and we're not allowed to get off less it's to refuel but even then the bus must keep moving.

do you mean like in the film "that bus that had to go at 30 miles an hour otherwise it would be bloewn up by a nutter"?????????????????

and blown up too which is worse than being bloewn up obviously

Typical! all my bus journeys end in disaster, this time i have to be on a bus with a creepy gnome! not best pleased by that thought in the slightest
*shivers, quivers a bit then rocks into own little world of no gnomes or clowns... ah peace

Dunno not seen it
*thinks of Keanu
Did he blow up a gnome too? 'There's a gnome on the bus!' doesn't fill me with terror. I expect the poor little sod could do with a sandwich.

I didn't think gnomes ate sandwiches , Tries to look in rearview mirror to get glimpse of gnome in jacket made of explosives and sticky tape but bcan't quite see, See's bluey still stuffing face though

S'alright. I'll call Borneo Steve for the correct gnome handling advice.

*wonders who will draw short straw and have to shimmy under bus to look for other devices?

good thinking ,borneo steve is sure to know .
*knows it's only an excuse for bluey to talk dirty over phone to borneo steve
*sniggers

Ok. Gnomes are highly combustable when angry. They spontaneously combust. As long as we don't p*** him off we should be fine. We've just got to locate him and get rid of the trigger. Any volunteers want to look for a 2 foot tall ginger haired grump bag?

I offer my services to shimmy!
*phew, can get away from that creepy gnome!

*tosses gnome bag of sucky sweets incase is peckish

If i find it can i kill it?

You are correct molly. Borneo Steve knows nada about animals and the like. He gets it all out of books. He used to be a fitness model on QVC for goodness sake!

No you cannot kill it! We must take it home... to devon.

Can i at least chloroform it using a doily?

If you think I'm typing thqt name you have another thing coming and that thing will be a shorter name along the lines of missy
*admires shimmying technique nontheless

*decides not really bothered about Devonian gnome in the long run so lets missy do as he/she/it wants.

You keeping an eye on that speed molly? The last thing I need right now is to be covered in bits of gnome!
*eats gherkin sarnie

*suddenly remembers bluey will at some stage use bus bog, looks at gherkin sarnie and shudders.
*checks speed , hair and makeup.
So far so ggod bluey, see's emormous queue forming at back of bus. Wonders if gnome is strapped in.

Haha....thats classic!! Love it!

*shimmies around under the bus using amazing technique and grace (in ones own head)
*spots devonian gnome hiding behind wheel and goes in for the kill...

There is no bus bog molly. But there is an extra large escape window up the back. That will have to do. Gherkins do not affect me thank you very much! Iron stomach.

*wonders what missy will do to the poor little critter

*appear triumphant with half gnome hanging out of mouth
*realises not actually a wolf and spits out gnome

*wonders what's happening under bus as cannot see and is grateful for missy's running commentar
*worries for gnome

CRUNCH!

*y

*runs to pick up gnome and is relieved it's still alive... just.
*removes trigger device (Walkman with TWH loaded and ready to go).

Gnome is gone so is the bomb
*cheers for self in head
You may now go above 30mph and quickly there are students behind us!

*works to revive gnome in galley.
*lays it on doilie to recover
*wonders what crunch was

*wonders how bluey got off the bus in one piece to collect gnome, perhaps those sandwiches have some sort of magical powers hmmmm
*more pondering

*Sits back in seat to relax after shimmying shannigans

You dropped him in the aisle when in the middle of your wolfman impression! Sometimes I really do think you have doilies for brains!

*Sees student s and panics. Glad didn't have to witness gnome exploding.
*puts foot down
lets see what this baby can do
mirror , indicate , manoeuvre.

*bemoans fact that misses sooooo much due to woefull slow typing and never really gets caught up :0)

*also bemoans really crap spelling when trying to type quickly.
*bemoans
*and sighs

*is slightly worried at effect feeding gnome had wonders why there's 6 more of them

Oh no not students! Quick Molly they're in a Renault 5 and everything! Go! Go! Go!

*also wonders how bluey pulled off remarkable rescue of gnome

typed slowly and care fully then

*goes
pedal to metal

Well to cut a long story short. I picked him up off the floor where missy had dropped him, warmed him up in the microwave and fed him a gherkin. Then he multiplied. Do you think we could sell them? They're quite cute.

*but typically not sure why:0)

stop typing so fast :0)

*Makes mebtal note to type more slowly.

I do try and wait for your replies first you know :oP

Maybe he is secretly a gremlin and maybe it is secretly after midnight? that could explain although there seems to be many secret things happening if this is the case
*looks around in suspiscion of secrecy

*makes mental note also

No it can't be after midnight unless the fish say so. We had that discussion earlier.

well da. I'm doing my best:0)

who will buy them do you think??

*gets swear box ready .
it's the pressure you see , always expected to keep the standard of drivle to a maximum, it's not easy you know, and then other weird buggers come on and I'm expected to keep up , it's not fair I tell you.
*sobs , sings comforting song in head and hides behind steering wheel .

*wakes up*

Hrrmmfff? Mrrg.
I'M ON A BUS!

Devonian's? We could set up a little stall and everything. I can see the banner now 'Take a little piece of Devon with you'. Well it certainly beats a love spoon or rabbits foot!

Excellant idea(calms down after outburst)

An action man gnome you mean?

*prys swear box out of mollys fingers and hands her a soothing redbull and sugar sandwich

*hides
*then comes out of hiding
It could work you know .
*sketches little gnome outfits.

Hmm yes I think you have something there! Well done! I shall go and feed more gherkins. Get em breedin'

*holds on for dear life as bus goes out of control due to molly no longer having hands at 10 and 2
*rocks back into peaceful place
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh :o)

*is curious to see breeding process and the part gherkins play in it.
*so wants to look
*but doesn't.

*also wishing there was a bus bog, perhaps can use empty sandwich containers and throw at students...
*more pondering

*sees look of panic on missy's face before calm one and regains control of bus, wonders what missy is doing with empty sandwich container.

I want to go click click click with my laptop on this bus.

*takes up position by escape window at back of bus ready to start throwing stuff at students in Renault 5. All 11 of them.

*slows down slightly so renault catches up so giving bluey better chance of hitting target

*reading molly's thoughts
Am sitting quite close to Bluey and the amount of sandwiches being consumed have created quite a few empty containers!

*takes aim with bag of gnome poop

Kill them. Students are EVIL.

*chucks the broken gnome at renault

*maintains speed and is enjoying watching whole episode through rear view mirror
*waves happily at jogger as he is catapulted over the windscreen,
*thinks how happy these Devon folk are .
*still wonders what missy is doing

*grabs poor little gnome by the ear just in time and pulls him back to safety.
*locks all gnomes out of reach of missy
*wonders if it's possible to kill students with gnome poop and whether that might be a rather harsh penalty for driving a Renault

It's got its fishing rod caught in the axles! Hurrah!

surely having to drive one is punishment enough(remembers KA an shuts up ):0)

*laughs at thought
*has thought
*fiddles about in fuse compartment and also in snickers and twirl compartments
Try putting your foot down now. That should do the trick!

You forgot the Crunchie department! We're all going to stink of honeycomb if that thing blows.

*puts foot down.
you'll have to take over the wheel soon somebody ,because I have to go over there ,probably til tomorrow.
;0)

*finds a few maltesers and bits of fluuf in pocket,
Give these to gnome to nibble on.I'll bring things and such upon my return.

*feels the g force
*is not sure likes the feeling of having one's eyebrows by ones ears
*screams for the hell of it

*wonders what fluuf is and wants some

fluuf is like fluff but not quite so sweet to the palate.

thought you might
;0)

Not like the good old hoover fluff then :o(

Right well you pop up the back and I'll drive through the night. I know a place we'll be safe for a while. With Cliff and the students on the rampage we won't last long out here

*pulls to a halt in a shop window and gives happy wave to startled shoppers.
*hops out of bus
*small whooshy door noise for drivers door
*tosses keys to bluey
must dash I'm afraid.
I'll get a taxi to wherever you are tomorrow.

*reads last comment from bluey and changes plans:0)
Tell you what I'll pop up the back and you drive throught the night , Saves me messing about tomorrow trying to find a taxi.

No, not like the good old hoover fluff then.
*pops up the back.

something doesn't look quite right there .
*ponders

No I must say that looks slightly wrong.
*sets off for safe house

*sleeps , secure in the knowledge that I am being driven to an unknown place by a gnome tossing person and sharing the bus with heaven only knows who else.
Til the morning then, oh, and the afternoon.

*thinks that looks slightly wrong too
I have never in my life tossed a gnome thankyou very much!

Nobody tosses a dwarf.

Sounds like they're both deprived species then. What about Piskies?

*Looks in copy of "Gnomes and Piskies, A Guide for Life".
"gnomes and piskies should never be tossed without prior consent".
I feel we can move on now that has been clarified.Thankyou.

Poor Piskies.

*breathes sigh of relief now one of life's most important questions has been answered
*munches on super noodle sandwich
*remembers is supposed to be driving bus

Super noodle sandwich? I love you.

*wakens to rythmic movement of bus. Assumes it's rythmic movement of bus as can never be sure of anything on here.
*fancies chees and onion crisp sandwich.
*is lulled back to sleep by rythmic movement of bus.
*but not before wondering if bluey is driving bus, and where we wre going.

*and making mental note to improve spelling.
*sets alarm for sometime after midday :0) ish

*wakes up and removes knee from under steering wheel
*drives bus through big gates and parks in front of Grimm Abbey
Right we're here girls. Habits (clothing not bad) can be found in the bags under the seats :o)

*wakes up and looks around for remains of sandwiches from day before as is starving.
* grabs bag from underseat and throws on habit,
*looks in rear view mirror .
That's actually not bad , for a habit.
*Has a bit of a swoosh up and down bus.

*feels something similar to Sister Act going on here
Anyone for a bread sandwich?

OOooo yes please, can I have some bread with that too.
*feels need to join choir and fly to L A.
*wonders if we shall be able to keep new habits or go back to old ones at some stage :0)
*wonders.

*loving the sandals.
*not sure about the funny haircut though.
*hopes this won't all be in latin as doesn't know any
*wouldn't be adverse to a chant or two though.

*also doesn't know any latin but wouldn't be adverse to making a bit up every now and then
*wonders how is one going to get down coach steps in flappy sandals
*does like the slap slap slap noise they make when walking however

*watches bluey go down bus steps
in flappy sandles and...
*sniggers
*then remembers has to get of bus too. Does so in a very elegant fashion until tripping over dangly dressing gown chord thingy holding habit together.
*regains composure and follows bluey.
*wonders if vow of chastity has to be sworn when entering order.
*wonders
*admires flapping noise from two pairs of sandals, and thinks would make good additional percussion sound for any band.

*thinks if vow's of chastity have to be sworn then we'll be leaving again very shortly
*wonders if we have to be quiet in there and whether alcohol is permitted
*thinks Cormac would 'dig' the sounds coming from our feet
*knows we shall be fine even if this is a silent order - all we need is an '*'

think we should check house rules pretty damn quick.
*realises will never ever be able to communicate in real world again without keyboard and an *

*knocks on door which absolutely no reply whatsoever
*shoves door with flappy sandalled foot

*ecclesiastical whooshy door noise.

Ooooh I like it! Well done!

Well there doesn't appear to be anyone here and everythings covered in a thick layer of dust.
*idea springs to mind

*is so glad bluey has lots of springs in brain.
What might that be then ?
*waits in breathless anticipation as always .

*is also glad has lots as several have sprung
Well it can't be THAT hard to pull off being nun's now can it :o)

*almost writes comment to last comment but desists for fear of being banished from blog for ever more:0)
*wonders which of many sprung springs will go with

It's true what they say, old habits die hard.

*peeps out from behind a pew*
*has only just woken up and followed Bluey and molly off the bus*
*looks pretty good in a habit*

*whispers* Hello.

Hello...ello...llo...

Oh yes. I can see it now. Singing TWH at Mass...

Oh no!! What kind of devilish place have we entered??

Of course , we could start a choir and sing all 27 versions simultainiously.

We can't do that, we don't have the Scots' Dragoons.

Oh yes! We could even sing it in the round and it could go on... forever! How wonderful would THAT be :o(

Dragons?! Where?!
*Hides behind pew

Hush, I think I hear the Mother Superior coming.

*sees bluey has sneakily changed name .

Towards us.

*mother superior and mother not quite so superior but still with a bit of a snotty attitude

I hope there's no initiation rite.

Well if it is her cleaning's appauling. Just look at the state of this place. Doesn't look like anyone's been here for years. Oh god what if she's a ghost?!

Shhh don't take the lord's name in vain, she'll eat us!

I hope they don't make us go and work with... well you know...

Oh jebus! Well she's not having my money!
*stuffs money into inaccessible places

LAUNDRY?

No! The... the...

*starts to cry at sheer thought

I think we have a problem, Sister B.



Where's molly?!

*realises implications of a missing molly
Oh dear god! Quick we must find her before we're blown up, transported to another time, covered in sardines or left at the mercy of the ranger!
*runs off in direction of dusty footprints
slapslapslapslapslapslapslapslap

Over here, admiring the candles.

*screeches to a halt
Thank goodness! Oooo yes they are rather aren't they!
*wonders if now would be a bad time to try and find the wine cellar

sounds like a plan.
*sneaks particularly fascinating candle into habit pocket, assuming they have pockets.which they probably don't .

Of course ours have pockets! How else would we lug the amount of useless stuff around with us that we do?
*heads off in that direction over there
*wonders where small knobby candle went

The dribbliness is very distracting.

*makes mental note to be more careful with candle than was with knob.
*follows Sis B over there but has a quick peek just behind here first.
*coming Sis B .

Really did not want to know that Molly! In fact I'm not sure it's even allowed.
*descends musty steps into murk
*wonders why Sister Cress is dribbling.

The candle's dribbling... I'm not... oh wait. I was thinking of super noodle sandwiches.

What's down here?

OOOoooo it's dark down here, I wonder what will lay in wait at the bottom.??????

Oooo dunno. You can't beat a super noodle sandwich. Where is Molly? We must wait for her! She gets terribly tetchy otherwise

It smells funny...

Here .
*holds up hand.

Look at this dusty old skull... wait - SKULL?!

What does? You haven't got Molly candles have you? Oh jolly good I was getting worried. Perhaps we can use the candle to illuminate our way?
*is not sure how molly will react to the suggestion of burning her new found knob

*graspes new found kbob/candle firmly.
Get yer own
Skull you say.hmmm.

kbob, ?no idea where that came from :0)
but then I do have all kinds of things in my pocket you know

*looks at skull
It's ok. No worry. It's a male one.

*is jealous and wants a kbob

*rummages in pocket
You're in luck, it's abit covered in fluff but you're welcome to it.
*tosses kbob to Sis B.

*will cherish kbob
*wanders further into the crypts (oooo that's such a good word)

*decides to give self slap and see if it does any good.In a funny mood this afternoon ;0)

*is unsure what Molly means by funny mood
*clasps habit tightly to body and walks sideways up passage - back to the wall

*sees Sis B walking in peculiar way and assumes it to be some religious thing so does same out of respect.
Are you sure the wine cellar is this way.???

*wonders if Molly is taunting
*realises taunting sounds rude
Well no not absolutely positive but in my experience in order to find alcohol one must go down

*realises that that also sounds very very wrong and wishes had taken vow of bloody silence

If the alcohol is below us then indeed we shall go down together.


It gave me no satisfaction at all having to say that.

*realises it could get worse before it gets better

*hopes so.
*sniggers
*throws bucket of cold water at self.

*wonders if it's the whole nun/ horsehair underwear/no underwear thing that's causing it?

*maybe should get back on bus for all our sakes;0)

*hopes certain deranged fiddler won't come after us in the hopes of getting some free horsehair
*would like to get on bus but thought of alcohol drives me forward.

*still wandering around looking at dribbly candles*

Forward and down it is then, I could use a drink after all that to steady me nerves.
Blimey

Down we go... I hate stairs and sandals.

*starts to unravel horsehair knickers to give to deranged fiddler.

there should be at least enough for a couple of chorus of kitty jay.

*glances furtively over shoulder*

*tries to walk down stairs in flappy sandals without tripping over dressing gowny cordy thingy.
*does

*motions silence to molly and winks*
*sneaks up on Bluey*
*bursts into very loud rendition of TWH*
*collapses in hysterics*

*takes off down passageway with hands over ears

*high-fives molly*

*watches Sis B flying down passage and wonders why the ear thing.
*assumes has got nose onto wine cellar and follows.

*Gets excited by prospect of consecrated wine and pursues at full speed*

*stops to allow molly's little legs to overtake again*

*charges down small flight of steps and along narrow corridor lit by flaming sconces
*wonders if should wonder who lit them but doesn't
*bumps into Borneo Steve looking for rare woodlice, gives quick interview and carries on

*glares at Sis Cress over "legs"thing and bites her on the shin during overtaking manoeuvre.

*rubs shins in pain
*threatens molly with rare Baroque version of White Hare if she ever does that again
*wonders who lit the sconces

OOOooooooooo yummy scones,
Is reminded of king alfred and the cakes , because of way brain works sometimes.
*quite likes new version of Whit Hare and hums along

*joins Cress at the harpsichord

Where did Sis B go?
*thinks Sis B must have found the wine

QUICK! THIS WAY!

*realises sis b has been missing a while too

*crashes through last door into enormous wine cellar closely followed by Borneo Steve
*evil glint in eye
*barricades door shut
*sniggers

*hopes there's wine left.

b*****d , f*****g a******e

*sits and cries outside door

*woodlice and horsehair fly

with swear box in hand

*unbarricades door and removes woodlouse from eyebrow

*sits and cries too

There is an evil presence in this place! It has turned Bluey against us...

*counts contents of swearbox and smiles as has got enough for one oneway ticket to desert island paradise.

*now only needs enough for Ray's ticket and I'm off .

you naughty nun you, Sis B

Sorry. Got a bit carried away. Come up the back, I found the spirit aisle. Lagers and beers to the left.

Who's Ray? Mears?

Nowhere better for spirits than an old nunnery.

*heavenly choir sings and a bright light shines down
Of course Sis Cress , there is no other.
*makes the sign of the crossed twigs.
Any Guinness there B???
*goes up the back
*sniggers

*ferrets about for guiness
Why yes. Several large crates! You probably won't need a ticket for Mr Mears. All he'll need is a twig. Any chance of squashing me in your suitcase? Or we could go as a two headed nun?

It's that time of day I'm afraid... the spelling is getting worse

A two-headed nun? You can't give heads to a nun.

*sniggers

*does spelling check.
I've seen worse, yes you can come too.
*sits in corner just next to the thing over there and smashes open a crate .

*sits on floor with large dusty bottle. Has no idea what is inside and does not care. Has horrible visions thanks to Sister Cress' last comment.

Depends on which order of nuns Sis Cress,

*drinks Guinness and slowly drifts off into happy place .

*very quickly get's rather drunk
*wonders if the ranger is still even alive
*thinks it would be a really jolly good fantastical idea to sing

*Agrees.

*misses ranger and gets all sad in that stupid too much to drink way but is cheered by idea of song .

Anda one anda two anda onetwofreefour

I 'eard 'er in 'er vaaaaaaalleeee
I 'eard 'er in 'er' dead ov nigh'

*scares self and stops

*wonders if we're sleeping here tonight ??
*randomly

I remember when he said he was with me... in the gherkin bar... I was sho happy...

*waves tankard around vaguely

It wash like shomthing from another worrld...

Da warrning ovva whyyherrrrrrrr...

*unravels abit more of knickers ,about three renditions of scrumpy's set worth.

*thinks back to happier times.
before had heard of deranged fiddler. Slumps in corner with smile on face.

Yeah I know the short *hic* of think you mean *hic*
*waves bottle at Molly and Cress and blinks very very slowly
But it dusn' matt a...

*starts to hum high pitched backing vocals from original version

Ah, original version, I remember that like it was yesterday. Actually it was yesterday .
*holds ears as high pitched singing is causing physical pain

*giggles uncontrollably for no apparent reason
*wonders (in between wondering about the distinct possibility of flying pigs) who will be selling pretty albums at the gigs this year

*wonders if knickers may still be good for a rousing version of Bold Knight .

*attempts to walk over there but legs won't cooperate.
Ah yes. The song where he gets his own words muddled at the end. Highly amusing.

*assumes albums will be sold by whoever draws shortest straw.
*has reached state during alcohol consummption which induces state of total lack of fear and common sense :0)

*titters
I think you may be right. I would offer to do it but I don't want to. People would point and stare.
*titters some more
*senses is sobering up :o(

*fears of return to sobriety grow also.
so, do we doss down here or shuffle our weary way back to the bus.
*looks back on afternoon in abbey place and feels happy.
It has been a good day.
*cannot believe I actually said that.

I fort Kingnn...the norty word... tree... was the one he muddleduddles all ver time...

You could sell said albums and just point and stare back , and stick out tongue .

*realises that Sis B has consummed far more alcohol than self and may need assistance if we are to move any where else today.

meant sis cress obviously.

I have absolutely no intention of leaving the alcohol behind. I am staying put and shall sing my heart out til the morn.
*cracks open new bottle

Bush! Back to the bush! Da wheelsh onda bush go roun'n'roun'...

Nosso. E ges iz primez an' timez muddledup. *Hic*

My name's a plant. Why can't I be Daisy or Rose or Oregano or something.

*slides down wall some more and titters

Evenprime doeshn't mekshenzz 'less you follow't wivva "roshe" and make shoap from't.

*leans back against wall safe in the knowledge that, we have shelter for the night, Sis cress will feel far worse than me come the morrow, we'll get a song or too from Sis B , I have Guinness still to consume ,a new adventure awaits us tommorow and I have a substitute knob in my pocket.

Or cuckoo spit. Oh no wait that's not... what about Parsnip? Good name that...

*wonders why the prime was taken out and substituted with another time. Gives up.

Oh what a beautifuuuuul moooooooooornin',
Oh what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

that says mornin' not moomin by the way. Altho that could make a good song too.

*unravels last vestiges of knickers in the hope of one teeny bit of L O T S .

*makes comfy bed in Guinness crate.

*looks enlightened
*ponders sibilance
*wondersh if ashterishk bitsh get shlurred too

*sets alarm for 3.30 prayers

They love the laughter and they love the livvin' the MOOOOOOMMMIINNNSSSS

*slyly cuts through alarm cable as there's no way I'm getting up at that time.

*curls up in rather comfy box

I don't want another drink. Wake me up after Mass. No wine. Wine bad. Ow.

*wonders why Sister Parsnip would want to do Michael Jackson impressions at a time like this and puts it down to drink.

*senses am not alone in box.

*shnoresh

*throws a relic at Parsnip to stop her snoring and realises could be in wrong box.

*wakes up briefly when all four sides of the box give way
*goes back to sleep cuddling the ceramic donkey from a nativity set

*wakes up and sees Sis B cuddling a donkey but decides not to ask .
*wanders over to a small window wipes off years of grime and cobwebs and looks out on a new day .Wonders what it will bring. Watches crows circling above the trees before they leave for the day. Catches a glimpse of several ponies in field across the way grazing . Eyes up one with a full mane and tail which may hold the promise of a new pair iof knickers.

*hopes deranged fiddler with think of me next time he fiddles with his bow.
*realises how very very wrong that looks and worries it's going to be one of those days on the blog again.

*hopes so.

*wonders why molly leaves it so long between face washes

*tries not to think of deranged fiddler as disturbs sleep pattern

*sticks out tongue at Sis B for "face " comment.
*looks at Sis C and realises she may not be with us for most of the time after last night's drunken behaviour:0)
.

*decides to go and round up horse, gets big f**k off pair of scissors out of pcoket and goes out, thinking it will probably take til at least lunch time to catch it, trim it ,and knit new knickers.
will knit thong for Sis B with bits left over.

*reassures molly that Sis C can be taken with us wherever we go thanks to the small handcart in the entrance hall

*waits in box, enthralled at thought of horsehair thong
*worries about chafing
*falls back to sleep, breaking tail off donkey in process

Am back :0)
But will be out again:0(
But then will be back again:0)
Throws thong in direction of Sis B .I have some superglue in my pocket.
*sees breakage donkeywise.
I have lined thong with goosefeathers to prevent chaffing.

*helps load Sis Cress on handcart, before setting out for a look aound outside.

*helps to pull cart along
*worries about feather infiltration
Any idea where we are going or is this just a random walkabout?

*remembers that after being back for a bit will have to go out for a bit again.
*not a good day on moblog
*will have better day tomorrow;0)

Well we could see what turns up out here or get back on bus and drive to where an adventure maybe kickking off.

I shall be over there til about 2.30ish
*points.

*watches molly struggle down stairs with handcart, nearly losing Sis Parsnip several times.
*goes to tend herb garden as has seen Cadfael do (oh good god what am I coming to)

OOooooo Brother Cadfael ,great series that was.:0)

What you are coming to is what I have been at for the past three months or so. Welcome to my world .
*sniggers
*wonders if anyone would actually notice if we cleared off down the pub for the afternon.
*wonders.
*sees Cadf.....er Sis B in herb garden talking to Parsley the lion.
Cooooeeeeee, I'm back .

Ah may the lord be with you and suchlike. Where have you been? We've been discussing the possibility of getting a brain off the wizard for this here lion.

I think possibly I have my story confused.

Lions and tigers and bears oh my!

Somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
there's a land that I heard of
once in a lullaby.

merry old land of oz.
We need to decide a plan of action before we loose it totally.
*slaps self to see if it will help.

I fear it may already be too late...

*part of a ceramic donkey head falls out of habit

*worries that brain may be in total shutdown as couldn't even be arsed to change name for this one.

*sees bit of donkey fall on floor but pretends to ignore it to save any further embarressment to Sis B . who has probably suffered enough;0)

*shuffles piece of donkey underneath cabbage with sandal hoping no one saw

Let's go somewhere and do something, clear the mind, that sort of thing

yes lets .
*hopes it's somewhere really wonderful and full of laughter and merriment and fine wine and food and pretty things and the like . Then remembers it's moblog.

Lets stand on top of somewhere high and let the cobwebs blow away.

Can you think of a place where we might find these things? And please don't say Centreparcs...

*tries really really hard to think with eyes screwed tight shut and everything.

OOoooooo I know, Woodall service area.

T
*ponders then again maybe not.

*wonders where the "T" came from up there, could be the only exciting thing to happen on here this afternoon:0)

*checks notebook and see's that that's one service area still not visited.
*also notices has yet to spot the very rare and elusive 07:25 to Birmingham New Street.
*gets excited at thought of actually doing something and goes into 'sandal frenzy'

*stands back in amazement at sandal frenzy dance , doesn't think it will catch on though.
Steady on there Sis B ,
*habit flies up and reveals quick flash of goosefeathers.

*calms oneself
*waits patiently for the go ahead to grab the picnic and make for the bus. If we're quick we may still make entrance to an attraction somewhere
*wonders what alton towers would be like in a habit

*also gets excited at prospect of doing something, but doesn't do silly dance.

Grab the picnic.
*tries to remember where bus is.

*ponders the size of a habit to completely enclose Alton Towers because that is how my brain works sometimes.

*is waiting on board bus when molly finally arrives, swinging legs back and forth excitedly, bags of sweets in hand

Are we there yet?

*snuffles*
*wakes blearily*

I'm in a handcart... why I am in a... oooooh my head...!

*heaves Sis Cresnip on bus and takes sweets off Sis B as had far too many and will be sick what with the excitement and everything

*is pleased cresnip has woken up in time to carry on plot as will have to pop out again soon for a teensy time.

*sticks out bottom lip and starts to draw pictures on window with sticky fingers

Actually I'm feeling a bit... hold on a moment molly... *charges to toilet at back of bus*

*leaves Sis B to sulk and sneaks off down bus with sweeties and stuffs mouth with them and rolls around on floor pouring them all over face.

*sneaks into drivers seat, pulls lever with big knob on it and careers off out through gates

Whoo hoo hooooooooooooo

*appears from toilet at back of bus looking brighter
*walks back down the bus to snuggly handcart
*passes molly on the way
*snatches some sweeties for self and Sis B
*charges down to driver's seat to share spoils of theft

*continues to roll about on floor at back of bus in sweety heaven for what could seem like about 30mins or so :0)

*suspects molly will be incapacitated for adventuring for a similar length of time as that which it may take her to consume remaining sweeties

*pulls random levers, puts full beam on, gets windscreen wipers going and gets horn stuck in on position

*sniggers

*sniggers also when realises what had previously said and in what context it could be taken

So, where to, driver?! ^_^

I fancy a pasty.

*wonders in panic if Sis B has fallen asleep at wheel

*suspects this is the case so decides to do some coursework until Sis B wakes up and we stop somewhere interesting or molly stops eating sweets long enough to stop us somewhere

*scribbles out terrible essay and gazes out window at towns and forests flashing past

*is glad this this road's so strraight and long

*didn't mean that in a dodgy way

We are going this way
*points
*also fancies pasty
Do you have our 'nun's get in free to everywhere' passes?

Hurrah! You saved me from the terrible fate of coursework!
Yes, I have Nuns Go Free and a voucher, 69 for the price of Nun.

My head still hurts :( Do we have any Mr Bump plasters left over?

*wonders if the curly wurly coupon from 1987 is still valid
*hands Cresnip some twisty ties to secure habit to ankles when on particularly fierce wafty rides
We don't want to end up with our habits over our heads now do we... well not this early on in the afternoon at any rate

*chucks jumbo size box of plasters at Cresnip

Do you think they'll let molly on the adult rides this time or are we going to have to fiddle with the height guides again?

Oh, I hope not. Although after all that unravelling her knickers I'm sure there's plenty of opportunity for fiddling.

*decides to keep distance from cresnip as doesn't want her fiddling with my newly crafted horsehair knickers thankyou very much.

Hurrah, molly's back!
So where are we going? Chessington World of Adventures? Alton Towers?


FLAMBARDS?!

*casts wary glance Cresnips way
Ooooh look nearly there.
*pulls into carpark
Let us know when you're ready to head for the turnstiles molly ;o)

*crosses fingers and prays for Flambards. Oh the joys of the Hornet.

*prays, by the way, in a very potent manner, and with absolute authority. There's a book of Common Prayer hidden in this 'ere habit.

*puts last bag of sweeties in pocket and makes way down bus.
*they have one of those fast cup and saucer rides so that can throw up in spectacular fashion after eating far to many sweeties previously.

*whooshy door noise
*flys across car park with all the grace of a hippo towards the queue
*uses gig elbows to make nun path to front

*beeps cheekily at parting crowds

The Lord sayeth thou shalt move out the way.

*looses cresnip and gets stuck behind bloke with big hair(typically)

Cresnip why are you beeping? Are you feeling 100%?
*small child gets in way
MOVE! You curly haired dingus!
*child screams and hides behind parent type person
The lord loves you...

*is well aware that Borneo Steve and his crew are following our every move for his new documentary 'When Nun's Attack'

The beeping is a sort of Road-Runner-esque beeping mixed with beeps of joy.

Oh, and I think I swallowed a boiled-sweet whistle.

Threaten the curly-haired kids with PermDeath

*big eyes
What is the PermDeath of which you speak? It sounds terribly painful.. or hideously embarrassing?
*shoves vouchers at ticket man and grabs wrist bands
Come on you two!
*get's caught up in turnstile and goes round a few revolutions, hitting head on floor each time

*is suddenly overwhelmed and charges through the turnstile to explore alone for a while but will probably not get into any trouble and will find you again soon

*probably sooner than she currently intends to but exploring might be very very boring

*thinks watching Sis B at turnstyle is far more entertaining than going on ride,
which ride are we going on Sis B??

*finally untangles legs from sticky out bits on turnstile
*clears throat and shoo's away small gatherinng of children all shouting 'again, again, again'
Ooooo well I don't know. Shall we start off gently and build up or go in for a big one?
*sniggers

*wanders past looking for coconut shy
*overhears
*sniggers
*wanders off again

I'd start off gently and build up the excitement slowly for a big finish.
But then I would.
*sees cups and saucers and claps hands with glee.

*is not sure likes sitting in rather ornate looking giant teacup but will give it a whirl...

Oooooo it's starting! Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

*makes a fabulous circle of vomit all the colours of the rainbow.
whhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

ck

*spits tea all over screen:0)

*gets off teacup thingy, and with a bewildered smile walks past a few vomit covered, crying children, in search of a bigger ride

Ooooo shall we do the 'Ultimate Terror Heart Stopping Flying Whirly Loop The Loop Backwards In The Dark' one?

*wanders past still looking for coconut shy and laughs at vomited-kiddies.
*thinks coconut shy must be hiding
*realises coconuts must be very shy

OOOOOOOooooooothinks about it for a secondoooooooooooooo
not sure.

Oh , go on then.

*remembers how fabulous space mountain was and runs ,hoping I make the height thingy.

*wanders back past looking thoroughly irritated and muttering about superglue

*spots molly and whips out a couple of toffee apples for molly to stand on during height measure

*vanishes again

The the uncertainty of not knowing where you are, the inability to see, but moving forwards at speed in total darkness.
A bit like my night driving really.

*Tries to stabilise molly on her apples
*get's nervous as are shown to front car
Oh c**p

*gets giddy ,
*remembers to hold pockets tightly shut as doesn't want repeat of "mobile phone tumbling into to pitch black " incident .:0)

*spelling and everything going as excitement mounts.

*tries to get comfy in harness but can't as breasticles get in the way.
*is glad remembered to twisty tie habit down
*starts to shake as car starts to make it way up

click... click... click...click...

*suddenly realises this could be Sis B's cliffhanger

Bloody Japanese tourists!

bugger, I knew there was something I had to do,
*tries to grab twisty ties from Sis B but alas , too late.

*has sudden desire to get out but realises in horror it's too late

Clickity... clickity... clickity

*wonders if stomach has just dropped into sandals
*doesn't like the sensation either way

*wanders vaguely across the track in darkness, still looking lost and vague, oblivious to luckily just missing being mown down by carloads of screeching people

*wonders if perhaps it has broken down as still sitting at top of big f*** off drop
*wonders if molly still has toolbox stashed in pocket somewhere
*feels about in depths of cavernous habit and locates the climbing gear
*thinks now is a particularly bad time to need the toilet

*loves upside down in darkness, habit over head thrill of it all.

That could look wrong but not sure.

*reads above and realises we haven't budged an inch yet. Crap.

yes I have the tool box, watches Sis B furtle for climbing gear.

*sits tight for while longer
I'm fed up at fixing other people crap machines! If it hasn't moved by tomorrow we'll deal with it
*produces KFC Family Feast and holds tray upside down so it's actually the right way up

*senses this could be Sis B's cliff hanger.
Tucks in.

*tucks in getting grease all over face but it's oh so good
*decides to save some grease and a couple of the moist towlettes in case they are needed
*continues to shovel food
*wonders if sleeping upside down can kill you

*worries for safety of the Ranger
*hopes he is not ranging that great big moor in the sky

*decides sleeping upside down cannot kill you but big f**k off drop below could.
*worries for Ranger and sobs at lack of tassles.
*decides Sis B is not so bad and looks kinda cute in habit and horsehair thong.

*wonders if that sounds wrong.
*wonders

*is in danger of going into food frenzy much like the episode with molly and the sweets earlier
*has feeling it could be messier
*picks super secret southern style coating out of hair

*watches eating habits of Sis B and decides spag bog was best option , wipes excess sauce from face with back of hand.

*nods off into chicken fuelled deep sleep holding what appears to be a ceramic donkey foot

*nods off into spag bog fuelled sleep holding what appears to be the knob/substitute candle from last place but hanging upside down and very disorientated isn't sure.

*charges in to say "I FOUND THE COCONUT SHY!"
*sees sleeping Sis B and molly
*instead goes "mawww" and smiles at them
*turns to go
*stares at what molly's holding
*boggles
*shakes head quickly to shake image
*goes

*wakes briefly to dislodge chicken bone from ear
*see's what molly is holding
*tries to shuffle away sideways but can't because of damn harness
*settles for just moving feet
*falls back to sleep and dreams of Borneo Steve riding ceramic donkey

Life is a roller coaster
You just gotta ride it.

*wakes up with cramp in fingers of one hand.
*sees Sis B asleep with smile on face and assumes is dreaming
of S B again.
.
Global warming, war, racial tension,rampaging goats in North Devon village. God bless the BBC morning news :0)
Thangyouveramuch.
I'm here all afternoon.
*hopes so.

*opens one eye to make sure is not actually stuck in roller coaster car with Elvis
*is disappointed
*continues to try and get 'Spotlight' on the iPod and wonders where molly gets her bulletins from

Poor weather lady in Portsmouth in woolly hat and amazingly high winds .All she had to do was stand in a studio and tell us, we'd still believe her. Poor thing.:0)
Goes out into wet windy morning.

Hang on up there SisB ,I'll be back as soon as I can with food and things.
*scrambles over edge of little car and climbs down supporting structure. Still having troble gripping with one hand but circulation coming back.
Keep yer chin up. Don't make any sudden movements

*worries about the wind and the fact that the track seems to be swaying a bit too much for one's liking
*is highly suspicious when harness disengages
This does not bode well...

*gets caught by a rather large gust and slips through harness
*dangles by sandal and hopes it won't be too long before someone to shout at turns up
*realises gust sounds like a dirty word... a bit like rectory

*carries two tesco carrier bags full to the brim with yummy things to eat for time spent trapped in car.
*is suddenly aware all is not well ,looks up to see Sis B hanging in rather precarious manner from track by sandals with habit over head ,averts gaze, after about ten minutes, and waits to hear shout for help.

You're staring aren't you?!
*thrashes about under habit
*feels sandal shift slightly
Ut oh....

No, not staring
*forces eyes shut with finger and thumb.
*shouts above wind.
DON'T MOVE , I'LL COME AND GET YOU.
*starts climbing up timber frame and hears the sound of splintering wood all around.
*manages to get a hold of Sis B's left leg and climbs up that to get into a more suitable position to assist rescue.

*hangs bags of shopping on handy place to hang two bags of shopping.

*can't see a damn thing but hopes whatever is going on is helpful
*munches on cold chips swaying about in wind

Cho ka na won si da!!

*click*

Pass me that swear box molly!
*flings sandalled foot in vague direction of Japanese tourist
Why you little...

*wonders wether to have piece of crusty bread and cheese before rescue .
*sees Sis B's predicament and feels it could be disturbing for anyone else to see it so sets to work with rope and fancy knots and has a nibble at crusty bread to put self on til proper meal.
*fastens rope to framework and loops end around sandals ,gathers up habit and fastens end of rope round it.
*realises that's three ends on one rope.
*heaves on rope and waits to see the result.

*poses with one foot on Sis B for tourist snap,

Thanks you velly much.

Tin cor na wota simplum dai.

*can't hear tourists reply for big f**k off wind that's blowing.

*tries to upend Sis B as has ben upside down for awhile and is going a funny colour

hasn't got ben upside down at all. *been :0)

*feels pull and swings up, smacking head on metal strut on the way
*feels faint as head starts to deflate
*sniggers

*sniggers, typically.
lashes Sis B to what's left of structure thingy til has recovered from smack on head.
*decides to use five ended rope for extra strong hold
*tries to look for safe route down.
*eats crisps.

*regains feeling in feet and goes to kick tourist

*realises Sis B knows a way down so follows .
Hopes camera isn't damaged in attack as still has heroic pic of self on it.

*removes camera from tourist and hands it to molly
*chases tourist shouting things that the wind thankfully carries away unheard

*wonders ,in unrelated way, why at times of great windyness, enormous pieces of plastic sheeting always appear from some mysterious place.
*wonders.
*relieved swear box won't be needed today because of big loud f**k off wind, well apart from then maybe.
Well , that was lucky and predictably easy escape.
*remembers left yummy things hanging up there.

*waits sullenly by police car as tv crews gather to film the two disorderly nun's being taken away

*wonders if is in another part of theme park and has rescued an entirely different nun ,as didn't even see police car and film crews arrive.:0)
It's fair cop guv.
*hopes looks fab for cameras if in same bit of themepark.

*watches molly get sat on by fat policeman as she resists arrest

*Notices distinct lack of Ranger... and Emma. How odd.

*watches Sis B watching me getting sat on by fat policeman and Sis B then getting frisked up against side of police car and hoping for a turn.
*Of course.

*being sat on
*notices Sis B and molly a few yards away

Oh, I thought they might get you too. They caught me trying to unstick the coconuts from the shy. They were glued.

Everybody on here has a distinct lack of something,common sense being the obvious one, self respect being the other.

*is disappointed when frisking ends
*see's Cresnip trying to brain a policeman with a coconut
*see's molly get excited as frisking pc makes his way over

Molly - you've changed

*wonders how long it will take to catalogue contents of pockets back at station.
*prepares for thorough(hopefully)
frisking.

*wonders what outfit will be forced to wear and dreads them seeing horsehair thong

*gets bundled unceremoniously into back of van
*hides last remaining part of ceramic donkey about body as is on way to prison... can just feel it

No one's getting a piece of my ass!

*wonders what "you've changed alludes to"
*wonders.
*sniggers at thought of Sis B's horsehair thong then remembers own knickers with at least 6 renditions of KittyJay knitted in plus extra for fast bit in middle.

I quote

Everybody on here has a distinct lack of something,common sense being the obvious one, self respect being the other.

Bit serious for you. But yes I do agree... your knicker dilemma is bigger than mine :o)

She had to pretend to be serious, she was about to be frisked. It's a serious business! O_o

*presses ear against mesh to drivers compartment to hear what's going on

Cres! What wonky eyes you have!

All the better to boggle at you with!

*sees misunderstanding above, sorry , obviously meant to add :0) thingy and totally forgot :0)

*slaps self ,but is comforted by concern for welfare by Sis B :0)
:0) all round then:0)

*recoils from mesh in horror
There's no room at the women's prison...
*starts to shake
*thinks about it

F**k now has to try and get back into story,
*reaches for swear box.

Everybody on here has a distinct lack of something,common sense being the obvious one, self respect being the other. :0)

There, see how different that looks now , puts a whole different slant on it;0)

You've got me all mixed up now , even forgotten my name and everything
*sniggers at Sis B's thong with barely enough horsehair in it for a opening of Riflemen of War.

*is comforted knowing there is no molly impersonator
*is still worried about fate as van is driven through big menacing gates
Of huck
*no longer has need for swear box! hurrah

You can laugh! There's not enough in this bloody thing for the fiddle part in TWH!

I'm cold :(

*is cheered by thought of Sis B being incarcerated in (hopefully )all male prison whilst in possesion of thong
*sniggers and even throws in a titter for good measure.

*is cheered by thought of molly being incarcerated in all male prison with oneself
*has a smug little titter in the corner

*straps down smug little titters so all male inmates do not grope

*borrows tape from Cres as Mr Bump plaster do not appear to be doing the business
*hoiks up habit out of way of sandals and gets ready to get off van

*is cheered by thought of being incarcerated in all male prison for obvious reasons

Do we get to wear orange jumpsuits?

*is dragged off van kicking and screaming by Sis B

Ooooo with arrows on them!

Sorry molly it's just the thought of proper, non chafing underwear almost pushed me over the edge then
*let's go of mollys neck

I think I got the best deal here. I didn't want to say when you guys were so caught up with the horse-hair stuff but my habit has a built in satin leotard with velvet gusset... but of course, I'm going to be stripped of it now :(

*thinks maybe Sis B deserves new underwear and hopes plot turns in favour of it soon.
*tries to breath

You'll be able to trade your thong for something more comfy in here probably.

*tries to imagine a velvet gusset then finds doesn't want to
*get's led to the 'reception room' which actually looks more like the 'we're going to strip you, put you through humiliating tests and then dress you like a tit room'.

*tightens built-in bustier
I'm going to go down fighting.

*snigger

*wobbles* I just found the "on" switch for my gusset.

Don't take it away from me! Please!!

RING RING! RING RING!

*rummages through layers of hessian
*pulls out phone... oh no, that's a pickle sandwich...
*pulls out phone
*answers
Yuh-huh?
*takes a bite of sandwich
Mmf... right... hokay...
*looks worried and snaps phone shut

That was security. They've taken molly away for cross-examination... INDEFINITELY! Looks like it might just be you and me for a bit, Sis B!

*worries for mollys plight
*worries even more for own plight when see's huge copper with massive latex gloved hands advancing

*prays to St Ronan
*notices St Ronan is no-longer top dog
*panics

No! NO! Not Latex!! I'm really badly allergic!!!

*breathes sigh of relief as he walks past, and into the room that molly disappeared into
*is given a rather tasteful boiler suit 4 sizes too big and a proper pair of knickers

*is given a rather tasteful boiler suit 2 sizes too small and a proper pair of knickers

*goes into changing cubicle and finds knickers are also 4 sizes too big
*comes back out in new attire walking like john wayne to stop new pants falling out of leghole

Tie them in knots at the sides?

*jiggles and wriggles uncomfortably

*proceeds to tie big knots in both sides of enormous pants
*ends up looking like a fertility statue
Umm... yeah... great. Oh goody looks like we're off to our new home.
*hides behind Cres on way down corridor

*shuffles along past barred cells, avoiding the outstretched hands of a hideously old and wrinkled inmate

*see's clawed hands reaching for Cres and catches a glimpse of the tassels on the way past
*would stop to ponder seeing as chain ganged to Cres could cause accident

*ponders
*speculates
*shuffles on
*shivers as it gets darker

*wonders why they can't afford lighting in this part of the building
*starts having to step over things and is glad can't see what they are in the darkness
Psssst Cres. Where do you think they're taking us?

*checks number on badge

#27377... hmm.

I don't know, Sis B! :(

:D I hope there's cake!

*has no idea what badge where but makes reassuring hmm noise so people will think I'm in on it too

Oh THAT badge
*feels around for it and holds it up to the light

F***ing typical

Ha!

*gets electric shock
*the guards snigger
No swearing in here then :o(

Swearbox not necessary?

*ponders the dark and dank room which is far too unpleasant to just be damp but has to be dank for literary purposes
*looks like might be pondering this for quite some time

Is this our room then? I can't see a fu... piffling thing.
*feels around in darkness
A ha!

*continues round room tapping and knocking on wall before returning to spot of the A ha!
We need a knob

March...

... Mad...

... Boxing...

... Jeep...

... Soul...

... Nibble!

*doesn't hear due to howling wind... or something

*snap onto reveal limber young women writhing around bars, to the sound of a loud brass section

You hear her calling!
You hear her calling!
You hear her calling in the niiight!
Don't ever catch her!
Or let her pass you!
Or you will get such a nasty friiiiight!

*wonders if this could be turned into a money making venture
*thinks maybe not judging by the look of some of the women
*continues to fashion knob out of knicker elastic and overall fluff

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! RUN FOR IT!!! THE DREADED TANGO VERSION!!!!

*finally realises this is where most people who bought TWH end up.
Perhaps this isn't a prison but a nut house!

Oh no! :'( Stop them writhing, stop them!

*stands up to full height
Would you all please stop writhing. Thank you.

I tried :o)

*mooches round room waiting til all together so can formulate escape plan
*picks up leaflet on the benefits of giving up crochet

*drifts off while reading about the dangers of sharing your knitting needles

*has no idea what is going on after break from moblog due to wind/electrical cut off/wireless, lack of.
*decides to start a fresh tomorrow and try to catch up :0)

*had a go at catching up and still has no idea :0)
*hopes for calmer weather tomorrow.
*looks across at Sis B in wonder, then realises they are just knots fastened in sides of knicker legs.

*Is sorry to have missed brief flash of tassels.

Is soooooo the first up this morning.

Those girls are still writhing you know. At least they're doing it quietly now but that dripping tap is doing my head in.

I was actually up at 5.45 and at least managed to resist the moblog til 7.05.
Huzzah for me.
*Realises half term is in a couple of weeks so could go into moblog frenzy.
*Wonders if Sis B can keep it up for a whole day on moblog.
*wonders.
*Rattles tin cup on bars for morning cuppa.

I've been up all night. Literally.

*wonders if morning cuppa is served as Assam or Earl Grey.

*wonders why is here
*should have fallen out with moblog after massive resulting academic disaster jeopardising future of degree
*never learns
*wonders if will ever have the opportunity to again O_O

*wonders if #27377 and 23733 are one and the same or two different people.
*remembers it's moblog and therefore doesn't give flying kufc .
:0)

#23733 is a very overtired #27377

#23733 is a #27377 who stayed up all night doing an essay that has already failed by default and has forgotten how to spell her name on a mobile keypad so it comes out CEREF or something now

*thinks 27377 should get some sleep,and beware of addictive bloody moblog :0)

*can't as has to pounce on tutor and explain reason for sudden tendency to fail... could be interesting...

*wakes up to find molly has been allowed to join us once more and is relieved to find that she is not walking in a peculiar fashion
*wonders if #27377 got ANY sleep last night as appears to be in some sort of frenzy

It's Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

*thinks 'yes molly, I can go aaaaaaaaaaall day'

*didn't

What a tangled web we weave
When we set out to achieve.

If it's creative writing, direct said tutor here and you're sure to pass with flying colours... or 'the disadvantages' could 'persuade' your tutor :o)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried :o)

*looks forward to Sis B going aaaaaaaaaaall day during halfterm.

I like it.

*considers dropping out

Yes drop out and be a bum. There's an aspiration for you! Better than any high falluting ideas ;o)

I BEG YOUR - oh. Falluting.

*likes the idea of *the disadvantges* being "a gang"

*sniggers

Did I mention that this academic disaster I have to go and hand in late and thereby fail by default - did I mention that it's blue?

*mutters bloody ink cartridge

We can be a gang. Ninjapoops.

*decides 27377 should drop out and take rightful place on moblog so I can then leave and live happily ever after:0)

*knows you wouldn't if she paid you

*wonders if you can get moblog patches to help wean you off slowly

*hopes not

*wonders if we can have a smart Ninjapoops outfit to wear, assuming decides to stay on moblog. Idea is tempting .

*also wonders about moblog patches.

We will be known throughout the land as 'the deedly arsearseins'. Can we wear fencing masks?

*is off now to Mount Doom aka drama department to hand in belatedly wonderful essay and explain to tutor why he shouldn't fail me because he loves me and I hate the course anyway, back soon

why not.

Good luck!
*waves

*forgot 27377 superior typing skills and therefore got last comment in too late again . Typically.

*wonders whether to get molly one of the auto type voice recognition pacakges for xmas

I believe thay also come in packages

I must away too, flushed with success after yesterday's effort at aiding eight 6 year olds to write a character study of Cinderella, I must steal myself for Geography and hard sums. :0)

They start these criminal profiling classes so young these days..

See you later!
*waves

*sees pacakges and sniggers and doesn't feel so downhearted over woefully slow tyiping and splening:0)
back later on -ish . Typically

Doesn't look like there's much teacher can do. May have to email him and tell him how much I truly hate being at uni...

*ponders

Though at least you can get underwear that fits...

*tugs and jiggles

*wonders what can do to cheer up #27377

I heard her in the va...
No maybe not.

Teehee! That did!

*produces cake from folds of orange jumpsuit

Here, let's all have a piece ^_^

Fortunately looks like one of those brilliant cakes that six different flavour slices.

*ponders re-emergence of #23733 and slaps

*savours first cake since molly ate all those others ages ago and stuffs whole slice in mouth
Mmmmf mf mf mmmf mf?

Mrrfffff. Mphm.

Yes

I wonder if we can make a break for it? I bet the bus is rusting and I really wanted to check out the hold.

*has visions of 'prison break' and rather tasty young man
*does not fancy complete body tattoo on oneself
If we can find something to dig with

*amazing idea

Don't you still have a piece of ceramic donkey about your person! I'm sure the remaining shards can be used as teeny little scoops.

*shakes self off and lo and behold two ceramic legs fall out of overall
Hurrah for we shall be free
*starts to dig

*digs
*digs
*digs

I'm digging this donk.

...Wait! I think I've struck bedrock!!!! :O

*wonders if there's a donk digging song
Oh great :o(
Now what do we do? I doubt the little donk's legs will make it through that

*waits expectantly for a 'yabbadabbadoo'

I have an idea. Have you any paper?

Why yes I always keep a notebook handy
*passes it to #27377 hoping to learn new survival skill

Don't use it all please. I've yet to write my memoirs

*rips out a couple of pages and lays them on the bedrock
*waits patiently
*explains

All we have to do is wait, you see.

*smacks self in the head but still doesn't understand
Oh yes I see
*hasn't got the faintest idea

*starts to wonder if maybe #27377 is suffering from cabin fever

No, no, you'll see.
You see if I learnt ANYTHING at school, and I think I did (though today's horrendous academic disaster is not promising), it's that paper beats rock.

*is tempted to smack #27377 upside the head but doesn't
I see
*goes back over to interesting part of wall located yesterday and starts to claw at part of it with fingers
Help me I think this bits loose!

Ooh! Shall I bring the paper across too?

*barely noticeable fizzing and smoking

*smells smouldering
Oh wonderful. Now we get to be burnt alive too. Thank you.
*claws faster

Oops. :(

*claws claws claws scrabbles monopolies
*greenclaws
*gus honeybun
*claws

*turning brown and curly

*thanks god opted for the Ray Mears ultra strong, teflon coated adventure acrylic nails
*claws way through to wall space
A ha! If we can fit maybe we can get out this way

You'll have to go in sideways if you don't want to undo those big knots.

Thankyou for pointing out the bleedin' obvious!
*squeezes into space and starts to inch along
I can see a vent!

*kicks at vent
*smells fresh air
*kicks harder but knicker knots restrict leg movement
*realises will have to make the ultimate sacrifice

*shuffles ap and down wall to dislodge cherished possession
*shakes leg
*plunges forward, kicking vent out
Hurrah! The outside! Run like kfcu!

*Wakes up just long enough to scrabble through and make a break for it, dragging inert form of molly along in sling fashioned from oversized jailpants found in wall cavity.
*also just got email from tutor that hasn't failed

*tears off number badge in fury

I am not a number; I AM A FREE LOADER!!

And a free sample at that.

*looks gratefully at beloved #1643
*falls asleep again

Caaaaall me, caaaaaall me by my naaaame or, caaaaaall me by my nuuuumber

I aaaaaaaaam the one and ownlay

*sets about making base camp while the other two sleep it off
*also goes in search of yams as this is what Ray Mears does on every episode. Therefore yams must be useful

*sits back and smiles contentedly as Cress falls ever deeper into the abyss of the moblog, it's abilities to grab and drag under being far greater than the "mire" ,
*keeps hearing voice of Emma in distance on cloudless nights,
"come back to the mire , leave that terrible place"
*fears it maybe too late already.
Coooooeeeeee, I'm back, I'm doing ironing if you have anything that needs doing.
Just toss it over here.

*finishes building yam shed
Ahoy there!

*realises with dismay missed this week's Mears, will have to remember repeat on Sunday if indeed that is when it is on.

But what if it is not?

*wonders about the mire but can't be bothered

*goes foraging for roughly 15 mins

*decides to wait roughly 15 mins

*goes to look at mire but finds it more frightening place than moblog so decides to stay as at least on moblog there's always someone to hide behind in a crisis., and the costumes are better.

and mire is rangerless.

OOOPS nearly forgot
and #1643less.

*returns with a potato
*does not understand how mire works so decides to stay put
Looks like we're Rangerless here too. Perhaps St Ronan managed to lure him/her/it away

*wonders wether to propose adventure to rescue Ranger from St Ronan but doesn't fancy idea and Ranger might not want to be rescued.
That's a nice potato you've got there.

*keeps careful eye on potato as is slightly knob shaped
Rescue mission would require a trip to the Ronan Blog. But I'm not even sure if there is one. Would confuse the hell out of it's users though!
Ranger can do as Ranger pleases.

who needs ranger anyway , we have an almost knob shaped potato and it's Friday by jingo

*covets almost knob shaped potato

I'm beginning to wonder if the Ranger ever existed or whether we were all sharing some kind of nightmare.
*builds little shrine for potato

Ranger was a bit of a nightmare.
Never knowing when ranging would start and stop, flaunting tassels about and the like.
*gathers flower petals and incense sticks for shrine of holy almost knob shapped potato.
Crosses self with twigs

*agrees wholeheartedly
So where do we go from here? The guards will be looking for us once they realise we busted out and find my extra large pants hanging out of the air vent

*panics as doesn't know build up to last comment,

Not sure , if we could find a means of transport we'd be able to cover a bit of ground before nightfall.
*looks around to get an idea of immediate terrain before proceeding.

*licks finger and holds it up to the wind
*there is no wind
*looks for transport also

*sees we are in middle of nowhere.
*spots John Deere on a tractor and wonders if we can make a getaway on that, blending in as we would in rural location.
*will miss tassles and cute but.
*peeps at 1643's rear.
*smiles

sorry. found missing "t" just over there.

*commandeers tractor leaving John Deere at the roadside with a yam

You drive , it's awhile since I did, I could reverse a two wheel trailor you know but there's not much call for that kind of thing now.
*sits on back like border collie eagerly await ing journey to begin.
*with tongue hanging out.

four wheel trailers with pivoting front wheels ,,, bloody nightmare, would get left and right hand down mixed up.

*nods and smiles
*drives off down road wearing flat cap and chewing some wheat

*sits on old fertilizer bag and watches countryside drift by,
These modern new fangled tractors have flat screen tellys and dvd players don't they, ?
See if there's adecent sound system on it somewhere, may aswell have some music.

*enjoys the little jaunt through the countryside and bounces up and down in the spring loaded seat quite happily
*hopes molly manages to find the cd that will inevitably be aboard somewhere

Oi've got ah bran' new combine 'arvestor...

lucky old you I say.
*puts dust covered, thus hiding label, cd into cd thing and low and behold it starts to play ........no I can't do it any more it's too too cruel.
*sniggers
*puts on "50 Classic Ploughing Tunes" instead.

*wishes cold have turn on bouncy springy seat.

"u" fell out going over bump in road.

*gets carried away with the ploughing tunes and simply has to express oneself. Stops tractor to let molly take over and skips into the centre of nearly cornfield where performs the dance of the cygnets before returning to sit on the back

*bouncys up and down a bit then decides better make amove.
*comes to fork in road then apile of spoons
Which way? left to Upperdown Diddlington right to Downupper Diddilington.
all said while bouncing up and down over particularly bumpy bit of road but doesn't know how to type to convey this.

Oooo I think Downupper Diddlington sounds nice
*looks at the faded, cobweb festooned sign

Downupper Diddlington it is then
*wishes had thought of shorter name to type and hopes it doesn't crop up too many times.
*Oooooo it's abit like a ghost town.
*gets distinct immpression of being peeked at through twitching curtains ,as villagers dive behind the doors of their homes.

I think the arrow covered overalls kind of give us away a bit. Maybe we can find some friendly folk at the local tavern and maybe even a clothes shop!
*prays for knickers

Preferably a charity shop as I only have a potato and a ceramic donkey leg

Well you see that's what comes of missing big chunk of storyline and not being arsed to read back.
*suddenly realises is wearing suit covered in arrows.
*Has one final bounce before perfectly parallel parking on the vicar's bike outside "The Flute and Lobster".
*prays for 1643 some knickers too after watchin

dismount from tractor.
*stupid delicate keyboard

went before I was ready and finished

*spots an Ox Concern across the road and heads for it

*follows hoping doesn't have to part with candle for new clothes.

*enters shop through 15 layers of door beads
*starts to look through rails for something not made of crimplene or pleated tweed

*finds rather attractive pair of paisley riding breeches , turquoise gypsy blouse and natty waistcoat .

This doesn't look promising. We may have to find a couple of bits and customize

Has new found hope in mollys new attire *gulps*
*carries on through the rails
A Ha!

*rummages through cds and discovers 3 no 4 copies of .....but then something over there catches eye.
OWWWWWW stupid place to put a display of fishing hooks.

*waits to see if 1643 finds something suitable.
*looks at hats

*hopes story takes off as feels has let 1643 down with ramble through countryside and shopping trip. Feels lacks thrills and spills of usual adventures. Friday afternoon braindeadness unfortunately:0)

*busy here today, doesn't take long however to realise who's who.
*like's the rural setting, feels pleasantly at home.

*feels quiver of excitemant

*then realises has backed into Robin Hood costume

*finds lovely pair of ski pants, an old Wham t shirt and some bejewelled flip flops

*discards outfit in favour of green tight robin hood ensemble

We're in what appears to be at first glance the village of the damned and he feels at home. Big surprise

Oh yes 1643, that really does something for you,
*covets jewelled flip flops.
*realises thats 2 things coveted today .

The village of the damned what?

Ooooo look at this
*wanders over to cd rack only to discover that molly obviously got there first
*sniggers

S**t ,too slow on change of outfit thing . AGAIN .

already looked at cds , nothing worth getting there really.

*wonders if Mollys speed of reply is down to slow computer or slow brain???
*wonders if 1643 is named so as this is how old she looks???

No I took my name from a s***ty song actually.

slow computer and slow brain .
gone into automatic response,see moblog must respond .I have been assimilated you see.

But we all adore tyour chorus 1643.

Top of your voice in the car trying to do all the parts at the same time getting funny looks from other motorists but it's worth it.

Always the first shot down :o)

*decides to head for the tavern as getting rather unpleasant and cramped in here
*goes to pay for items but cashier has fallen asleep so leaves overalls and a yam on the counter

I do think the word tavern is a lovely word.
*leaves a handfulof goosefeathers and tiny bit of horsehair on the counter.
Oh and overalls,nearly forgot as not in that bit of story.

Obviously I've never done the singing in the car thing it's just something I was told by other people
*ahem

*tries to make a run for it with molly quietly so as not to alert the village nutter to departure
*gets caught up in beaded curtains
Ah fresh air!

*gets halfway across road before realising is dragging beaded curtain along behind

*tries to make a run for it behind 1643 and also gets caught up in beads ,grab a few strands to put in pocket just incase.
*keeps beady eye out for village nutter
*takes bead out of eye and puts in pocket also.

*walks rest of way with remaining dignity intact although there's no one to see
Ah a nice drink is just what we need
*braces self to walk into pub not knowing what will encounter in here

I just have to say I think Cres captured Tim's best features rather well. The eyes and hair especially. Truly she is gifted

*walks through door , two old villagers playing dominoes in the corner , three old villagers playing darts over there , and fourty five other people in the middle of the pub quiz all stop to look as we walk in.
*was going to have piano player but have already done that one previously.

I think I also have commented on the very same thing up there somewhere:0)

Well done I like it
*clears throat
Should we get a drink? Oooo do you want to do the quiz? I wonder what the prize is..

You should see the one she did for my LOTS re-enactment :0)
Fabulously accurate

*turns round to see village nutter skulking in the corner
Quick lets grab that table over there!

Sorry to interrupt your fun but i just had to say what a fabulous picture that is! it's brilliant! whoever made it is indeed very talented! :) I take it that The Dartmoor Ranger is this Tim person judging from the bitchiness earlier! ha ha bless! dont be ashamed its a great pic! be proud! Take care all :)

I know nothing of this LOTS re enactment but feel you should explain.
*sits down and waits to hear excitedly

*Picks up menu from bar and pretends to read it.

Oh , it would take faaaaar to long

*pretends to read it over molly's shoulder (as other one's are covered in sticky something and doesn't want to touch) as we are obviously waiting for something

*pouts
Oh :o(

Why does it always go so quiet every time the ranger makes an appearance?

I will but it could take a while and it is very silly .Yet suprisingly thorough

*yes , why does it go quiet, odd that.

*wonders if there's enough time left in the day and just how convoluted the story will be
*uses other half of brain to hatch evil plot involving the Ranger

we listen in silence for the sound of the tassles.
what have I come to for heaven sake.

I listen in hope for the sound of a screech and a thud but hey ho

*wonders if it may be possible to steal some more suitable transport from outside the tavern

*thinks , will leave lots for another time ,
*by then it will be forgotten about

*follows 1643 out of tavern

*makes note in palm top and sets reminder for LOTS story

*sneaks round side to car parking area and eyes light up at sight of fully modded imported Mack complete with hard trailer.

Oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes helloooooooooooooooooo

*hopes it has a fabulously loud horn.
*means it as didn't snigger.

*does traditional hand movement which encourages truckies in usa to toot gets excited at thought of riding big f**k off truck

Oh it's got a beastly horn
*sniggers
*starts work on drivers side door
Keep an eye out, this won't take a sec!

*takes eye out .

*looks down at molly from inside cab and thinks 'what the bloody hell is she doing?'
*waits patiently for molly to realise and eats jerky

*hopes is given chance to have blast on horn .
Obviously.

*realisation dawns regarding the staring villagers in the tavern.
*looks down at robin hood costume
Whoops
*realises this may also be why village nutter tried to strike up conversation

*puts eye back in.
*wonders if 1643 is aware of Robin Hood costume malfunction regarding tights and length of tunic.

*hopes vilage nutter reference is not aimed in this direction.
*makes mental note.

*I decided long ago that notes made on moblog are invariably mental and also never to walk in anyone's shadow.

*quite likes the whole bum cheek out the bottom of the tunic look
Oh quick molly let's go! I see the weird one approaching!

Quite right molly. Never allow yourself to be repressed by another. Especially a tassle wearing another

*struggles up into truck and adopts elbow outof window look .
*not sure about 1643's new look but could get used to it given time.
*doesn't see weird one approach as is looking out of wrong window.

*decides all will not go quiet and blasts horn
*waits til nutter has climbed up side of truck before taking off at high speed

*decides on new tactic
*sniggers

*finds trucky sort of baseball cap behind seat and puts it on.
*wonders what nutter is planning to do.
*feels imminent cliff hanger and gets giddy at thought

Sheeeeeeee'll beeeeeeeeee comingroundthemountainwhenshecomes yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ha

*hears 1643 snigger and waits in state of fantastically excited excitement .

Has thought and hopes Ranger isn't mistaking me for an artistic person AGAIN.

*if had known new tactic was just going to be song wouldn't have got quite so excited

*realises chaos theory rules on moblog.

No that's not it! It's a secret til I have to use it ;o)

*wonders how far up the road, and how many tree's he'll have to hit til the nutter lets go

I give him one thing... he's pretty resiliant

Do you mean covered in teflon or kevlar or something.??

No... more sort of stubborn and relentless :o)

*drives on into the night, beeping occasionally for the hell of it, stuffing face with jerky and bursting into song, although obviously avoiding anything by Cliff Richard

*wishes 1643 would keep it down abit as is trying to sleep.
*drifts off to sleep thinking what a f*****gly odd place this is sometimes.

*salutes molly's new word as it's good and shall be used from here on in
*pulls curtain across window to block out screaming face

*rings Collin to advise of new word

*blushes.
*thanks 1643 for salutiation of new word.
*wishes screaming would stop.

*hopes to sleep til monday ,unless called upon to do a bit of the driving obviously.

*will travel inconspicuously til monday, taking it in turns to drive.
Then... another adventure will beckon.
*rolls down window
*sticks jerky in rangers mouth to stop the god awful noise
*rolls window back up

*wakes up in truck, still wearing orange jumpsuit
*most disillusioned at missing fleeting visit of delightful Ranger whom is still a fan
*wonders who Victoria is and hopes she will return as enjoyed compliments on picture and suchlike
*sleeps again till Monday

I've been driving all night ,my hands wet on the wheel,
There's a voice in my head driving my heel.
It's my baby callin', says I need you here.
And It's half past four and I'm shifting gear.

Beep beep.

*stares up road listening to constant hum of wheels on tarmac, Cresnip snoring and 1643 talking in sleep, well I say talking, more braying actually.
Mind wanders to ranger and wonders why lack of sometimes . Wonders if it's due to,
1 Busy Ranging schedule
2 General lack of interest but likes to check is stll being remembered.
3, Or,more hopefully, typing skills more woe inadequate than own and therefore unable to keep up .
4. Hopes it is the later.
5.Also wonders why it goes quiet on rangers arrival.
6 Makes mental note to make lots of noise on ranger's arrival in future.
PEEP PEEP,
drives on into night :0)

*finds *fully* had fallen off *woe* had rolled under seat.
*clicks proceed button to order K and C as is the custom and hopes version of B D is similar to one filmed from behind giants at Leeds, with lots of fabby Cormac action .

*does all the above having pulled into layby, as is not so stupid as to do it whilst driving big f**k off truck.

*wonders why typed B D when obviously meant B K.

*wonders. :0)

*looks up and cannot believe wrote "fabby" instead of "hot"

*realises is 5th comment today
and talking to self.

*loses will to live.

*Adds one more to tally of single items of footware seen on roadside during journey making a total of twenty seven.
*lobs

..............half eaten cheese and beetroot sandwich at Cresnip,
A, to stop the snoring.
B, for her stint at the wheel.
*Sees Ranger with arms wrapped around wing mirror, fast asleep in spite of precarious position.

*wonders if single items of footwear found on roadside would match single items of footwear found on beach
*wonders.
*wonders if could go for record for most comments in a row on a moblog.
*wonders how sad that would be.
At a guess , very. :0)

Morning world , morning everybody.:0)

*opens eyes to dicover it was not, as was hoped, a horrible dream
*tries to go back to sleep but with molly flinging shoes around the cab is impossible
*checks outside window. Yep still there

Good Morning

I did try evasive manoeuveres such as driving against prickly bushes and big drystone walls and stickyout branches but I just couldn't shake him off.

*wonders where might be best place to order from
*perhaps stealthily in a shop may be better bet so as to enable knocking over of entire display
*opens window and hits him repeatedly with a shoe but to no avail
*closes window as is cold
*wonders if they may traipse down to the seashore to perform (for free of course) for the people working out in the cold to save the sea.
*thinks probably not

Looks like we're stuck with him then.
*Likes the idea of walk down to sea as is lovely cold bright morning, but as nearest sea is 40odd miles in that direction chances of doing so are pretty slim :0)

*dislikes weather forecast so chooses to ignore it (although secretly hopes gets snowed in)
*looks outside window and finds that it is not bright but looks rather murky so also gives up on seaside idea
*gets evil glint in eye and reaches for the wing mirror controls

*tries to keep eyes on road AND 1643 to see outcome of wing mirror thing.
*is glad of chance to drive bus for practise as truck is a doddle.

*goes into state of complete confusedness when see's Punch Bowl being re released whilst Freedom Fields (new version) gets deleted. Rocks back and forth and doesn't know what to do

????????????????really!
*is also confused and rocks in a similar way and puts fingers in ears and hums comforting tune and realises has to leave(bugger) and may miss mirror thing
*hopes not.

*pushes button all the way down and watches as Ranger collides with window... still fast asleep
*pushes button all the way up and watches Ranger swing right out... just as a huge pyracantha comes into view

*admires 1643's horticultural knowledge.
*shuffles under 1643 as 1643 takes place in driving seat ,opens door and leaps out into oncoming traffic, grappling with ranger on way.
*shouts to departing truck,
I'LL BE BACK AT USUAL TIME ish..............waves...............

*waves back
*chews on jerky and tries to swing Ranger back round
*button doesn't work
*presses button frantically
*still doesn't work
*looks other way and whistles merry little tune

*swerves into outside lane at the last minute, the Rangers butt missing the thorns by a whisker (he should get waxed really)
*continues on down freeway highly annoyed at having just been told resembles Dawn from Eastenders
*cheers slightly when realises they didn't say Stacey

*opens eyes to see what looks like Pat Butcher through window.
*falls off side of truck in shock and rolls into ditch.
*dusts self off and sets out on foot for a well needed roam.

*pulls over into layby
*untangles massive earrings and reapplies garish blue eyeshadow before putting on bright pink mac and setting off after Ranger

*leaves trail of jerky to enable tracking by Cres and molly should they feel that way inclined

*roams into truckstop and finds f**k off big Harley with keys in ignition.
*hops on, turns key, revs engine, kicks into gear and disappears up road in cload of dust and tyre smoke.

*see's Ranger wobble off up road
*thank careless Suzuki Hayabusa
GSX1300R owner for leaving keys on wheel and takes off (with much less wobble) after Ranger (again)

*wonders why the Ranger isn't down at the seaside dragging the tanker in by himself.
*selfish

*stops at next truck stop, jumps on KTM 505 SX-F and heads off cross country.
*doesn't know anything about tanker, does however think about cargo ship off coast with some concern

*cargo ships, tankers, any rhyming variables... all the same
*get's lucky and comes across a Mi-28 Havoc. Follows Ranger from above

*enters area 51 style military base with no fly zone.

*is not miliatry personnel and therefore has no idea about flight exclusion zones so carries on regardless
*is relieved to see that danger area one appears to be flying over is no longer used and was sold off by the MOD last year.

*opens throttle and drives into narrow tunnel (too small for helecoptors). Glad tunnel has several exits several miles apart.

*turns on heat seeking equipment and follows yellow/red/blue/green blob around

*deploys small heat seeking missile into end of tunnel

*lets off chaff at intermittent bursts before ditching bike and covering self in clay (predator style).
*sets off again on foot taking one of several tunnels

*sees parts of blob disappearing til all is gone save for two small blobs (eyes) and two tiny blobs (no idea)
*follows eye blobs

*puts on cooling eye mask as walks past 2 little tunnel voles.

*see's two little blobs turn into one big blue blob
*keeps following as two tiny little blobs run off
*stifles scream
*no. couldn't possibly be...

*doesn't worry about blue blob as missles are heat seeking not cold seeking

*waits for missles comment

*flicks switch on centre console to change setting on missile

*bumps into 50 tunnel engineers and persuades them to run around in circles for several minutes before all heading off in different directions
*heads off with small group of engineers

*keeps tracking blue blob which is now surrounded by many hot blobs
*missile continues on it's way down tunnel... nearly there

Ooooooooooooooo this is sooooooooooooo exciting.
*sits and reads on.

*finds trigger and sytematically blows up every escape tunnel bar one.

and all I was going to do was write a bit about the benefits of re releasing P B:0)

*at least is now up to speed with whole nasty tanker oil spillage thing having just read beeb news .

*does fly by for the hell of it
*lands to see if molly wants anything for lunch
*can guarantee they'll be chuntering on about it on spotlight tonight. Can't wait :o(

*waits for big f**k off explosion

OO lunch, I'll have what you're having.
*hopes it's something nice.
*wants excitement to continue

*wonders where missile has got to
*decides doesn't care
Shall we go up the end of the tunnel with this here big f**k off net and capture him on the way out?

*bet poor container ship was lured onto rocks by false light set by Ranger wanting to scavenge things like shampoo and bicycles.
Why the rascal!

*hopes molly knows how to fly
*goes foraging

Big f**K off net it is then. Don't know why we bother sometimes ,you just know he'll have a smartarsed plan already worked out and will breeze off int to the distance with that annoying wave of his.
*wonder if there's shoes on the ship ,to scatter along the beach,but not in pairs.
*wonders

*decides to go out of entrance as all exits are blocked bar one which has a net at the end.

see, told you so, bloody ranger , curse him and his getting out of tricky but badly excecuted trapping plans.
*has driven bus and big f**K off truck so plane will be like riding a bicycle but with wings and higher up.

*in meantime wonders if PB will be fiddled with or left as is.
*wonders

*returns from foraging to discover blue blob has moved from tunnel
*dresses in jumpsuit found in back of helicopter
Molly we'll need new names for this
*get's all excited Top Gun style

*hopes PB is not fiddled with as still prefers original version of FF

Plus does not want to buy another PB only to find it's the same

*agrees.
*new names you say
hmmmm
*has little think

*maybe it could come with a little label attached to say fiddled with or not fiddled with depending on if it has or hasn't been

*panics as has only seen top gun once and that was a really really long time ago.
*will have to wing it .:0)

*in fact only remembers song from it if truthful

Yes that would be helpful
*decides is not happy that will have to buy K&C; single only for B side

I'm sticking with the Top Gun theme

*wonders if container ship contained any flip flops

Out along the edges, always where I burn to beeeeeeeeeeee,
The further on the edge, the hotter the intensityyyyyyyyyyyyyy

*wakes up with a start

*oh I would ,(have ordered so to late now anyway:0) and I do so love music the old fashioned way .The scratches give everything a nice texture you see.:0)

doof doof doofdoof doof doof doof doofdoofdoof

Highway to the danger zo o o one
*see's is getting dodgy looks so stops

*wonders if it will be like circle of yummy choccie again.
*mmmmmmm wonders

*wonders how the Start got there, must have been very drunk last night as can't even remember the Start's name or how we met.

Heyyy baybeh.

I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. Please go away.

Sho ting hurney.

*goes

Phew.

*googles cast list , decides to be Mrs Metcalf whoever she is

*decides to shorten it to Mrs

Until you maaaaake me,
Taaaaake you,
On my marhtey wiiiiiings across the skyyyyyyyyyyyy

*grabs Cresnip by the collar

On your feet soldier

*thanks Maverick silently for new shorter name :0)

*and forgets it immediately :0) :0)

*hands out aviator sunglasses
We need these to look cool y'all know what I'm sayin'?

*schnuckles and chokes

I'm up! I'm up! On my feet! Look! Or I would be if you'd lower me by about three inches please...

*wonders if a bit of black hawk down will get me through this one ,

Or Jarhead. Either will do.
*thinks some of this could be really funny
*lowers Cresnip to her feet

you will also have to take into account that throughout today's thrilling yarn I am engaged in making a few props for tomorrow's assembly so will pop in as and when. :0)
thankyou for your co-operation.
*puts on cool shades abit like horatio's

*is intrigued at thought of props and demands to know what they are
*realises that was in head
What are these props?

*does 65 sit ups to give impession of being dead 'ard s**t hot, fighting machine., in flip flops .
I don't know but I been told
antarctica is very cold.
sir yes sir.

*doesn't want to have to be Swoff as Jake Gyllenhaal is not attractive.

Yessir!!

*stares at MRS!
*stares some more
I see. Ok. Well done.
*backs off slowly

these props are a big red cross a big red crescent and a big red diamond depicting the symbols of aid in wartorn countries which are used so as not to offend the varied religions encountered.:0)
Well, you did ask.

*wonders if maybe Cresnip will take the Josh Hartnett Black Hawk Down approach instead

Pearl Harbour sucked...

I'm thinking G I Jane maybe. A bit.

*plumps for the Ewan MacGregor Schmid instead.

That's hard to type. Dammit.
I mean "GODDAMNIT OFFICER!!"

I'd plump Ewan MacGregor.

I'm plump enough already.

Who wouldn't?!
*decides enough talk of plumping
*get's kit bags out of chopper
It's time for a yomp la... girls :o) That Ranger aint gettin' away from the best tactical fighting team the armed forces did ever see!
*yomps off

We'd only be the best tactical team if we had Mr T.

OOOooooo are we going in a gunship and if so can wee do the cool hanging one leg casually out the open door while flying thing with weapon in hand.??
pretty please

*forgets about ranger in all excitement

We'll have to make do with Mr Ed.
No you cannot wee with one leg hanging out the side with your weapon in your hand!

This is my rifle
This is my gun
This one's fer fightin'
This one's fer fun!

*sits crossed legged in chopper.

Come on, own up. Whoever did a poopy in the chopper is in for a thrashing.

*looks back towards chopper to see they're still... doing whatever
*falls over backwards
*sets off in hot pursuit of the Ranger wishing kit bag was not so heavy
*falls over backwards again

*thinks of shortening Maverick's name to Mavis then thinks better of it.
Coming Maverick,
*runs after and laughs at constant falling over backwards antics.

*stares at scene resembling Team America and laughs.
*jumps into SR-71 Blackbird, fires up after burners and jets off.

This chopper's messing up my hair. *angry

I spent HOURS shaving it.

*come back here you m****r f****r
*they always say that in films of this genre

*gets army/marine issue swear box out of kit bag.

oh how I love Team America.
*laughs

America! F**k yeah!

*scrambles into one of three nearby mig's and takes off... screaming

*wonders if Maverick has gone looking for a plane or something
*wonders

*late again:0)
jumps into mig and takes off behind the others most likely.

*discovers mic and earpiece in cock (sniggers) pit.
This is Maverick Sixer Niner. There's a bogey on your tail Mrs. Dive dive dive!

COME BACK RANGER! Or your dog gets AIDS!

*remembers this is more Team America
*screams down mic on correct frequency for the Blackbird
Ranger, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to f**k your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.

*wipes bogey off tail with airforce issue tissue.
this is mrs sixer sixer over under
Copy that maverick six niner over and out

*dives

maverick sixer niner you got bandits on your tail and pirates of your portside over under outer

*hopes to do flying upside down above Mrs top gun stylee
*hopes some more
*See's Blackbird in sights and locks on

*didn't mean to threaten beloved Ranger with AIDS really.
*bakes some buns for next encounter

Copy. Receive. Over. Sending. Dive. Bomb. Bogey. Sixer Niner. Under. Out

*sees Maverick above upside down, waves .
*wonders if Maverick realises is upside down then wonders,is it me .
*wonders and feels sick.

*looks up and see's mrs
*or am I looking down?
Aaarrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh

*locates ground and flies on to do the same to Ranger

a oner a twoer a oner twoer threer fourer
love lifts us up where we belong.
sorry .
*sees dogfight in rearview mirror, involving fockers and spitfires and realises has inadvertently flown onto wrong film set.
*shouts sorry and flies away

*is almost in firing range of the Blackbird

Come back here you Sonovagun!

*puts fockers coz can't spell one beginning with M.
*sees Maverick in pusuit of ranger and follows as seems best thing to do but only time will tell.

*accelerates and climbs to superior altitude and speed in far superior aircraft.
*engages auto pilot and makes some tea

*waits for Ranger to develop altitude sickness and is happy to bimble along at same speed only lower

oh p**s off ranger :0)
you smug b*****d.:0)


OOOOooo nearly got enough now for oneway tickets for all my friends to come to desert island.
Cheers Ranger.
waves cheery wave

*flies along at lower height but several miles behind as usual.

*wonders how long he'll stay up considering his fuel tank are smaller than average

*wonders if he does have small fuel tank
*flies a bit closer to see.

*points smallness out to mrs
*sniggers
*fires small friendly missile at Blackbirds rear

Pssssssssssst
And he smells of chives

*hopes K&C; vid is along same lines as LOTS and not TWH

*sniggers
*falls about laughing

*flies out of control as mind is filled with LOTS vid , not for first time on moblog, ooooo not said that for aaaaaaaages.

*waits for mrs to regain control of her fighting machine
Sometimes he smells of potatos... but not today

mmmmmmmmmmmm earthy

*tries to regain control of plain and grabs joystick but not sure if fabulously sexy modern planes have joysticks
*wonders

*big eyes
Sorry I meant potatos grown in muck heaps :o)

*plane * of course
*LOTS vid threw spelling right off

well there's earthy and earthy obviously

*heads for artic circle
*radios ahead for husky team to be ready and waiting

Well obviously
*see's rear of Blackbird start to sputter and smoke
A ha! He's running out of fuel!

*wonders if artic circle is like arctic circle only different
*or maybe he's on his way to a TruckFest?????

If I was going to the arctic circle I'd want a hunky team but then thats just me all over.

*wonders if we can wear those fab white suits with the cute furry hoods .
*wonders like anything

*Lands and skids to a stop on ARCTIC ice.
*jumps on sledge
MUSH...!

*leaps onto snowmobile and in doing so hopefully gets one over on ranger for first time on moblog but doubts it somehow, because he is aclever git. :0)

*pulls lever and ejects out of plane on specially adapted ARCTIC ejector seat complete with runners

*obviously having first landed plane

*and there obviously being a handy snowmobile parked up nearby

*tries to remember Ray's survival in snow progs

*races over thin ice on light sledge as snow mobile would be too heavy and crash through

oh for heavens sake :0)

*hurtles over the ice and wonders which button to press to turn the jet packs on
*laughs when see's seat is scaring the s**t out of Rangers Husky's
*literally
*wonders how Ranger will wipe it off whilst clinging onto sled desperately with both hands

*doesn't like look of thin ice so abandons snowmobile for Ray Mears pursuit skis handily left on back of snowmobile.
SO THERE

*catches mrs up onto back of seat as whallops past

well that was a suprise
just as I bent down to strap me skis on.

*thinks will be traumatised for a very long time
*watches as the Rangers husky's get caught up in their traces causing them to stop rather fast thus catapaulting Ranger into a snow drift

*finally manages to wipe smile from face, and gets snow shovel ready.
*sits and reads magazine as ranger makes next f******ly amazing escape.

*starts to move in for capture but the husky's are there already... looking decidedly hungry

*yawns

Wait for it :0)

*gets field tea out of kit bag to make cuppa
*waits

*sets dogs on Mav and Mrs, jumps on snowboard and heads down hill very fast

*gets secret stash of custard creams out
*waits

oh peeeeeeeeeeeerlleeaaaase

*gives cute little husky's some custard creams then sets off on jet propelled ejector seat once more
*followed by husky's none to pleased with their so called master
I'll give you mush!

*jumps up and down with extreme giddiness and hopes a snowboard shows up and teeny tiny chute and a big f**K off drop.

*manages to grab hold of Maverick as left all of a sudden.

*hopes for edge of cliff too
*listens out for tell tale signs

*hopes it's not the cliff as in Peter Pan of Pop cliff

*wonders if can keep this pace up til Friday
*sincerely hopes so.

*strains ears
*gets overtaken by mobility scooter travelling at amazing speed

*flies off edge of cliff, opens parachute "A View to a Kill" style.
*lands at edge of water and jumps into waiting submarine before sinking out of site

It was all going so well up until then:0)
Our nemesis returns.*
*sees figure zoom past clad in white leather trousers and thick white woolly jumper

you have to give him credit though the ranger , not what's 'is name.

*heads for control building
*runs into control room
*presses button to drain reservoir

*Note to Mavdick: Arctic ocean is not a resevoir!

*watches as water drains to reveal old prams and supermarket trolleys and an old mark I cortina.Oh and a submarine.

*note to ranger
global warming

*points over there to the arctic ocean
This here is a reservoir which was once used by a team or scientists

Of obviously not or

Arctic ocean is now being used to provide water to the warmer countries and therefore prevents flooding.
I made that up obviously but whty exactly I have no idea:0)
panic probably

*starts to climb down metal climby thing to bottom of reservoir

*decides to follow as not sure where whereabouts of nemesis is.
*goes down after Maverick.
hi-5's self.

*after securing one end of Borneo Steve's Amazing Bungee to the top

ah.

*creeps up to submarine (is not sure if it's a large one or a small one - will have to wait for clarification from Ranger as he wasn't very explicit)

*realises isn't attatched to anything

but makes it safely to bottom

*locks down doors on luxury submarine. Electrifys the outside with state of the art security system. Lays back on sofa and watches a film.

don't be silly

*puts hands over eyes and pushes nose up to window to see what film ranger is watching

*not many options stuck in a sub at the bottom of a dry lake!

*rolls eyes
*grabs trolly from over there
*points
*removes car battery from old cortina and wires it to trolly
*holding plastic handle shoves whole thing at side of submarine blowing all circuits

*obviously above eyes , not covering eyes as wouldn't be able to see

*admires Maverick, for brilliant ideabut doesn't show feelings as would interfere with whole work situation.

*is pleased Ranger has crap selection of films to watch as shouldn't be so smug.

*creeps up to hatch
*kicks it open
*descends into darkness

*follows, as is curious to see ranger get out of this one and rifle through dvd collection

*makes way along sub, checking and clearing rooms as one goes until only one remains
*takes a deep breath

*taps badge on chest

Ranger to bridge, one to beam up.

*disappears in sparkly haze

right behind you Maverick.
*hopes M realises admiration inferred above is in context of blog and not in real world coz reading back just then it definately looked a bit iffy.
*shuffles uncomfortably and loosens clothing.

*opens door to find Ranger sitting on floor dementedly tapping on cardboard badge on chest and dribbling.
Ummm mrs I think we have a problem...

He's got the bends! Come on quickly before he explodes!

*stops laughing at Ranger and Mavericks last comments long enough to ask.
......and what might that be?

oops I did it again:0)


the bends you say,
*tries to run past ranger before explosion occurs.

*passes out in disgust at Mavericks
unfairness and dreams horrible dreams.

*slaps Ranger round the head and proceeds to drag him into the corner
*isn't sure why

*also is cross at Maverick as could have got lift with ranger back to star ship and beloved hollowdeck.

*looks at mrs
*raises eyebrow
*hands her dribble sodden cardboard badge
Be my guest?

*reminds Maverick that I'm the one who likes to do the slapping round here.

*feels is being mocked by Maverick as badge IS only soggy cardboard but tries it all the same.
*sobs*then pulls self together again

*suddenly realises at last we have ranger.

*wonders how to decompress Ranger
Any ideas mrs? His eyes are starting to bulge in a highly unattractive way

*wonders
Probably needs delfating somehow, if only I could think of a way
hmmmmmm
*thinks

*looks around for a sharp implement with an evil glint in ones beady little eyes

*thinks my way is more fun but watches Maverick with morbid curiosity.

*wonders what mrs was thinking and stops searching to watch

No, don't let me stop you , carry on , I'm sure another opportunity will present itself in another adventure somewhere down the line

*give mrs a 'no go ahead i'll busy myself in another room'
*wanders into galley looking for food

*finds the 'look' missing from the end of the top line in a cupboard full of alcohol
*shouts
Take as long as you like

*shouts after Maverick.
There's no knowing how long this will take you know, I'd give it a 20 minutes or so depending .
Don't worry if you any screaming.

*gets the distinct impression that Maverick is just outside the door.
But as ranger critical has no time to worry about it.

*is sure molly can look after herself... and the Ranger for that matter
*sets about looking after the alcohol

*Uses a couple of discarded corks to block ears

*wonders if has dug hole for self far and beyond bigger than grand canyon :0)and growing everyday.

The alcohol makes one sing. Loudly as cannot hear for the corks

`Tis I my lurve who'll leave in Joooooon,
For twenny five days nomore.
Now mark that spot from ner ner ner,
It’s f***ing and country I`ll come back ner ner.

ner ner nernerner
There's whisk key in the giro...

well that didn't take as long as I thought, he shouldn't be anymore trouble tonight.
*looks for alcohol to enable hearing to adjust to Maverick's singing and actually make it tuneful to the ears.

*is amazed at speed of Mavericks intoxication

*thinks
you have to love someone who can write
steady your guns
til the last man comes.

realises at once there is nobody to hide behind .

Meh. Sizees orted en?

*thinks no you bloody don't! but it comes out more like
Meh

Ish got gud nam thatsh new shong. KAC
*falls about laughing

*falls about laughing at Maverick falling about laughing,
do you mean because of the C word or something else
*wonders

*wonders why I'm stone cold sober.
*feels is missing out

No
sh sh becosh of KAC. Issss KAC! Bit shimlar to KAC you'sh pant

*hopes mrs has some of that instant sober upper stuff left

silly bugger,:0)

*falls asleep like the rough, tough, mean fighting machine one is... with head in soup cupboard

*gives Maverick some instant sober up as doesn't want to sit up all night alone making sure ranger doesn't escape.

*can't believe we didn't use cliff on a rope and sheer drop from earlier in storyline to actually have a proper cliffhanger to finish on .