my life in words and pictures

by chocolate

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this is me, trying to put down my thoughts about everything and anything in the most sincere way possible, trying to find order in the chaos that is my life, trying to throw some mediocre-to-good pictures in along the way and trying to do it all in such a charming way that maybe someone actually finds pleasure in reading it all.




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alone tonight ...

(viewed 421 times)
i'm
all
alone
tonight...

and it's sort of depressing. sometimes i've got no problem with being on my own but right now it's a bit sad somehow. i'd really like to have someone here with me.

but i'm alright. i took these, purely on the spur of the moment, because i thought it was time for a post in my moblog, i've been so lazy lately. well, not lazy, but i haven't had any motivation, or maybe nothing to tell, or maybe i didn't want to tell.

i spent some days in munich and felt amazing. it's like a live preview of my future, and it feels brilliant :) i've got a great new friend who took me out for some drinks and the whole trip was wonderful as i had been feeling a bit down the weekend before. then yesterday was ... wild, to say the least. fun, yes, but also weird and even a bit too much. but no more of that. today i went skiing, which was

beautiful!

i went with
r o s i
and ... well, she's a wonderful girl.
she cheers me up.

i realized lately that so much of my mood and the way i feel - for days at times - whether i'm happy or sad or lonely or excited, a lot of it depends on other people. and this is something i really don't enjoy because i hate being dependent. especially when the thing you are dependent on is something so very unconstant.

there's this saying, i'm sure you've heard of it ..

'the only constant is change'

which is true, but at a time in your life when everything is changing, you are making decisions which will influence the rest of your life, new things are happening every day and in the middle of it all you are desperately, frantically clinging onto the ideas, principles and values that have kept you above water all you life, while they are softly slipping away day after day, you catch yourself craving constancy.

sometimes ...

it's one of those things that are
scary
intimidating
exhausting
unsettling
on the one hand and
thrilling
inspiring
encouraging
and
intoxicating
on the other.

sometimes it's all too much, and then again, it's what makes life so amazing in the first place.
sometimes i just need to be shown the way.
26th Jan 2008, 21:58   comments (2)

naughty

(viewed 508 times)

i know i haven't been as 'productive' as usual lately but ...

i'm not even at home right now.

this was a while ago, but i had wanted to post these at the time, so yeah ...

oh, this was in april, at my birthday :)

23rd Jan 2008, 19:30   comments (4)

forever

(viewed 641 times)

love

love is a kiss that takes your breath away
love is a hug that squeezes everything out of your body
love is a warm teardrop in the middle of the night
love is a delicate scent that makes you feel like home
love is a gentle whisper that's louder than all words
love is a sound that lifts you off your feet
love is a heart-stopping touch on the tip of your fingers
love is a taste like no other

some might say
love is religion and
love is God's gift to us

others might say
love is pain and
love is a breaking heart

some might say
love is like a stomachache you don't want to go away
love is like a journey that will never end
love is like a tingle you can't shake off

and some might even say
love is like a glimpse of heaven

...

love is just a word
for a feeling
that's too complicated for words
that's too mysterious for descriptions
that's too much for definitions

love is timeless
love is unrestrained
love is magical

love is what makes this life worth living

love is like a bomb
you don't see it coming
and when it hits you
there is no escape

and you're blown out of your mind
17th Jan 2008, 23:40   comments (10)

euphoric

today was a wonderful day.

i was in the mountains today and because we are having a shitty winter and there is no snow (just a little) and no one goes up in the mountains and it was overwhelmingly quiet. we were sitting on a bench next to a playground (how funny is that - a playground on top of a mountain) and there were the mountains on the one side and the lake of constance on the other. the mountains were covered in snow only around their peaks, and it was such a clear weather that you could actually see constance at the other end of the lake (which was 70 km from us). it was a real thrill, and if none of us spoke, it was literally dead silent. which was one of the most breathtaking things i've experienced lately.

the sun was shining and it was so warm that you didn't need to wear a jacket. the whole day reminded my so badly of summer it actually felt like it. the birds were singing, and when we went back down and walked by the shore, there were people taking walks everywhere and children jumping around, it was the summer, i swear.

it doesn't matter which season is your favourite (mine is autumn), there is one thing no other time of the year than summer can effect, and that's that feeling of complete euphoria, joy and life. 100% positive tension. at least that's the way it is with me. when the birds fly back up from the south and sing their songs and the wind is blowing softly and warmly and everyone is outside, and you can walk around in a t-shirt, what can possibly go wrong?

(i think i might be making subtle progress on my happiness-resolution :D)












PS: got hold of another temporary camera. the minute i came home today i grabbed my dog, the camera, and ran off to take these. it was dark by the time i got back home, and i was wondering why i've been feeling so good this week. any answers or ideas, and i'll let you know :)
10th Jan 2008, 23:08   comments (6)

today=good

(viewed 495 times)
reasons why today was good:

- i didn't feel sick after breakfast (i have that sometimes and i don't know why)
- work was calm, unsupervised, slow-paced, yet very productive
- i was on the phone and for a few pleasant minutes everything felt like it used to
- i had a laugh with my sister
- i had a laugh with my dog
- i watched friends
- i might be acting in the new james bond movie

well, not acting, but i might very well be in it. yay :)

wish it was pierce brosnan though ... i haven't even seen the daniel craig one yet :(

9th Jan 2008, 22:58   comments (1)

r a i n b o w s

(viewed 500 times)
at
the
moment
i am reading a book which has completely captivated me. it's not at all the kind of book i would buy at the bookstore, but it's just got so much love and humor and life in it.

normally i love books which are, well,
r e a l
which means i can identify with the characters. i mean, i read everything, but i really love those kinds of books into which you fall so deeply that you're really IN it. i think i love books that have a lot of emotion. suspense is good. but emotion is stronger. especially love.

anyway, the book i'm reading about is about a fifteen-year old english boy who is suffering from a very light form of autism. that kind of autism everyone finds so fascinating because it's so interesting. a bit like dustin hoffman in rainman.
the boy finds his neighbour's dog murdered in the garden, and sets out to find the culprit. his inquiries gradually force him to break out of the borders of his own little world and ... it's just wonderfully written and very, very clever.

i tend to think about everything.
and i think about it a lot.
i think about things way too much sometimes, and often see things much more complicated than they probably really are.
which is exactly the reason why i love and admire people who don't have this habit, people who feel just as happy or even happier than me by simply letting themsleves be amused by the little things in every-day life and by enjoying what they have instead of longing for what they don't. these people are able to deal with the complexity of life just as well as anyone else, but they don't lose they're minds while doing it, because they think too much.

the charcter in this book is one of those people. admittedly, in this case, it's probably conditional. but the little girl in 'to kill a mockingbird', for instance, would be a perfect example of someone mature and intelligent enough to grasp the reality and cruelties of life, but able to recognise to simplicity behind all the complexity. which is exactly what makes her so admirable. at least to me.


i simply think too much.


9th Jan 2008, 22:08   comments (8)

heart

(viewed 510 times)
you wanted to see my glasses wingmaker?

i had a
lazy
lovely
long
weekend

saturday morning was one of those mornings where you don't manage to get yourself out of bed before 2 in the afternoon, but seeing as the reason for this lies in the fact that you're not in your bed by yourself, it's not at all a waste of time.

then breakfast with freshly pressed orange juice and scrambled eggs (supposedly i'm very good at those:) and afterwards a wonderfully lazy saturday. some cooking at 7 (tagliatelle with a delicious curry-coconut-lemon sauce), followed by 6 hours of catching up on what friends have been up to and lots of talking.

sunday i forced myself to get up earlier (but only half managed - i think i had breakfast around 11:30) and spent a long time reading, which i love doing in the morning. the book i'm reading atm is absolutely fascinating, although it's not at all the type of book i usually like to read. a new friend i met in munich gave it to me and i'm eating it up. can't wait for wingmaker's though :)

then i wanted to write a short-story, but for some reason i wrote about ten times as much as i wanted to, i even had to interrupt the whole thing in the middle to take out my dog. i decided to take a different route than usually and met that person i told you about whom i spent that warm, dizzy, cozy afternoon with last week. she also has a dog and we strolled over the golf course and talked and talked ... then it rained a little.

back home i finished my story and continued to feel happy about the fact that things are beginning to pick up. it doesn't feel like it's really going forward yet, but i know where to go, when the times comes to go, if that makes any sense.

apartment searching
e-mail writing
phone call making
driving around the city

all coming up, and i'm excited. if things work out like i hope they will, i'll have my new apartment within a few weeks, start moving in and finish my obligations here until july, and then i'm off to find out what (else) life's got to offer. it better be good :) what i'm doing here at home right now isn't making me very happy, but the prospect of next summer is keeping me going.

other things i thought about today:

1. do i need psychiatrist? (Don't worry, i soon concluded that i DON'T!)
2. am i right or is she?
3. i should definitely take (even) more walks over the hills and the golf course. it's beautiful and calming.
4. will i miss the countryside when i move to the city?
5. why does a day only have 24 hours? it's simply not enough!
6. i shouldn't go jogging again quite yet, because my foot still hurts. what a shame :(
7. stop stressing out! think of f, think of c, think of wm, just calm down!
8. i wonder if it'll snow at all this winter? is this global warming?
6th Jan 2008, 22:44   comments (6)

you

(viewed 582 times)
storytime:

there once was a young boy who lived in a beautiful neighbourhood in a rather wealthy, wonderful town outside of a beautiful, enormous city. it took only half an hour to drive into the city, but out where the boy lived, everything looked and felt like the countryside, with fields and hills and forrests everywhere. the boy wasn't actually very young, but he wasn't quite old enough to be living on his own yet. the neighbourhood was at the very end and edge of town, and all around it there were endless fields of rye and wheat and all the things you could run trough on warm summer nights or days and in which the kids would play hide and seek and the lovers would go to be on their own and watch the stars come out after the sunset. all of the houses in the little neighbourhood were placed around one dead-end street with a large kind of square at the end, with four trees in the very middle, around which cars could drive in order to turn around. all of the houses had large gardens and some of them were fenced in or surrounded by hedges, while others had an open view over the wonderful, endless fields and hills. it was an overwhelming sight on windy days, when the air swept through the corn and over the landscape and there was no other sound than the sound of the wind, and above the sky was full of clouds which crept over the scenery on and on.

the boy spent most of his days outside, because the region was one where winter wasn't very cold and it rarely snowed and you could go take walks outside very soon in the year. he took long walks trough the fields with his dog or went running through the woods or just walked around town past the skate-park or over the huge football field or outside town near the golf course and the tennis courts. it was always beautiful because everything was so green and calm and peaceful but always full of life. sometimes he would take his bike and spend time at the small bmx-track by the lawn where the gypsies would stop each year. on very hot summer days he would simply lay in his garden, on the lawn or on the terrace and fall asleep for hours at a time. he never felt lonely though, even though he spent much time on his own, something he thought a lot about when he got older and times came when he felt very, very lonely.

but this spring, he did not feel lonely at all, he didn't think much about life and simply lived it the way he wanted to each and every day, and maybe that's what made him so happy. the boy could be seen in his driveway almost every day playing basketball on his own or taking walks with his dog or just strolling around. the boy also had a small sister, who was a few years younger than him. his sister hung out with another young boy very often, who lived just two houses to the left of our house. he and his family were english but had lived in this country for a very long time, like most of the families and couples in the neighbourhood - for it was a very international neighbourhood, so to speak.
so the boy's sister and the other, much younger, english boy spent lots of time together, and as they started spending more and more time with each other, the young boy needed to be fetched to come home for dinner very often. the young boy had two siblings, another boy, with lots of freckles, who was quite a bit older, and a girl, with burning red hair and something mysterious about her. the girl was about the age of the other boy, the one this story started with. so it happenend very often that the boy would be playing basketball in his driveway or just be outside when the young one would be fetched, and he was always fetched by the girl, and not by his older brother. the girl would sit down on the lawn, which went steeply up in both directions on both sides of the driveway, and watch the boy play basketball, while she waited for her younger brother to come out and go home with her.

because both them weren't very shy, and simply because it was the thing to do, they began talking to each other every time the girl would come around. it didn't matter what they talked about, it was just smalltalk really. but after a while the girl started coming over to sit down on the lawn without needing to fetch her brother. and they would talk some more and after another period of time the boy stopped playing basketball and would sit down next to the girl and they would sit there and just talk, longer and longer, for hours at a time. one day the boy left his house with his dog and decided to ring next door and see if the girl was home and ask her whether she wanted to come along for a walk. so the boy and the girl then began to take walks togther when the boy took out his dog. as i'm sure you guessed, it didn't stay at this very long, however. after another short while the boy asked the girl to come take a walk with him without his dog, and she always came along and together they walked out around the neighbourhood, or simply jumped over the fence in her garden, for her house was one with a view over the fields, while his was surrounded by hedges, and together they strolled through the fields and hills and chased each other over the endless lawns and climped on top of the meter-high balls of straw which were all over the corn-fields. further and further they went each time, and if anyone had cared, they would have thought that the girl and boy wanted to spend more time together purposely. their suspicions would soon be confirmed, seeing as the two of them not long afterwards began to spend hours at a time hiding in the back of their parent's cars in their garages and talk about things which had nothing to do with smalltalk anymore and even hold hands when they went for walks.

another while later, the boy knocked on the girl's door and asked if he could come in, and so they started spending days over days in the girl's room, just the two of them. one might have thought of the wildest things the two were doing in there together, but really all they did was enjoy being together, listen to music and talk. the girl's room was very cozy because she was extremely messy and there was a large bed and a couch and clothes and books and cd's were strewn everywhere. something else also started happening around this time, which was that the girl kissed the boy on his cheek when he left to go home. when you're in love, you are usually the last person to notice whether the other person likes you like you do them, but as an outsider, it's always completely obvious, and because the boy never asked anyone afterwards, he doesn't know whether it look like that, but what he did know was that he didn't know what he felt at the time himself. he just knows that he actually never realized he was in love, and he maybe he wasn't even in love. to be completely honest, the boy couldn't even sincerely speak of something like a special connection or a unique relationship with the girl - it was nothing more than two young people spending time together and liking each other very, very much. and perhaps that's exactly what was so special about it.

but any suspicions you might have about what happened next did prove themselves to be right, because one afternoon the two of them were in the girl's room, like so many times before, and the boy was lying on her bed, flipping through some dr. seuss cartoon, there was music playing, or maybe it was completely still, the boy really can't remember that precisely. the girl was leaning against the wall across from her bed, across from the boy. her hands were behind her back and she was swaying from side to side. after a while she asked him something she had never asked him before. she said: "what would you do if i bent down and kissed you right now?" the boy should have been startled by this question, but he wasn't. it was an exciting question, but thinking back, it really wasn't that big of surprise ... as if it was a question like any other question the girl could have asked. she was wearing this half-smile on her face and simply looked as beautiful as ever. perhaps i should have mentioned this before: apart from any feelings of attraction or love, there was one thing the boy admited very soon, which was that he found the girl incredibly beautiful.

so the boy looked at her and thought about the question for a few seconds. without really knowing why, he turned to sit on the edge of the bed. eventually he said: "i dunno. what would you do if i got up and pressed you against the wall and kissed you?" the girl smiled even more mysteriously and pushed herself off the wall and took a step towards the boy. she stopped right in front of him and looked down into his face. what happened next was peculiar, because it was the most natural thing that could have happened, but at the same time it was also something very strange to do. still not saying a word, the girl bent down until her face was level with his, and then she put his head between her hands and held it close to hers. she turned his face slightly and kissed him on his cheek, and then turned his face in the other direction to kiss his other cheek. the boy's mind was blank, and what he did then was, thinking back, something he did completely instinctively, without planning it. after her second kiss the girl turned his face again and as she moved her face across his to kiss him again on the other cheek, the boy turned his face just a tiny bit, just so their lips touched ...

in that moment the girl threw herself onto the boy and pressed her lips onto his and didn't stop kissing him anymore. the boy put his arms around the girl and kissed her as well, because it felt perfect. until the boy left after what seemed like a lifetime, they didn't speak a word, and even as they parted, they hardly said anything else but "bye". they both couldn't stop smiling however.

the time after this happened had something very timeless about it, something, if looked back upon, like a dream, something sometimes even unreal. after the day that they kissed, the boy and girl spent hours and hours every day just kissing each other, in their bed or out in the corn fields or anywhere they wanted to go. it was all like a film. the unique thing about their relationship was that they never had any desire to go to the city together, or to parties, or to meet each other's friends or really to go anywhere outside of their town. all they wanted to do each time they saw each other was kiss and hold each other and when they did, they felt secure and fulfilled. and , perhaps obviously, deeply in love. and the two of them never talked about what they had, they never talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend, they never even told anyone about it, it was like a secret affair, without any reason for being secret. after a while it got really warm, seeing as it was summer, and still the two lovers were seeing each other day after day.

in the middle of the summer, the boy had to leave because his family moved away. the boy had lots of girlfriends after that, and some of them made him feel immensely happy and made him forget about the girl. but one thing that never stopped after he moved away was that every now and then, the boy would dream about the girl or she would suddenly jump into his mind, and after this he would be sad all day long and couldn't stop thinking about her, because while he wasn't actually sad in his new home (he had found many new friends), there was something about the girl ... when he compares everything he has experienced since he moved, he always comes to the conclusion that nothing was ever the same as it was with the girl, nothing felt so right and endless, nothing gave him the same feeling of eternal joy and bliss that he felt at the time. and while there have been moments where the boy thought that he could not possibly be more happy, and while one shouldn't overlook the fact that there was a rather large chance that he would not even like the girl now, if he saw her again, there is something in the memory of the relationship with that girl and the time before he moved that always succeeds in bringing tears to his face and wishing he could return or turn back the time or find the girl. and i should mention at this point that the boy really isn't very young at all anymore. and if anyone asked the boy what might be one of the things he would like to succeed in life, he would answer: "one day i would like to feel again the way i did back then." it's stupid, unreal, maybe even pathetic, but after years, it hasn't stopped gripping him. and it hasn't lost its ability to make him cry over and over again.
6th Jan 2008, 13:07   comments (8)